


Iridescent

by maknaehwi



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band), jinhwi - Fandom
Genre: 2park, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Ongniel, Romance, jinhwi, pd101, wannable - Freeform, wannaone - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2018-12-14 08:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11779719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maknaehwi/pseuds/maknaehwi
Summary: This was originally posted on Wattpad but due to recommendations, I will also post it here! Please enjoy and give feedback if you want :)





	1. Monochrome

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on Wattpad but due to recommendations, I will also post it here! Please enjoy and give feedback if you want :)

A writer's first work would often leave a great impression on it's readers but so do the works that follow after. Often people would choose to write news instead of features, no need for personal inputs just facts straight out of an event. No need to unravel the vulnerable interior of the writer. No need to pour out emotions and be criticized by the public. It was easier than letting people discover your inner thoughts and feelings but Jinyoung did not find any thrill in that.   
  
  


Bae Jinyoung is a member of their school's newspaper club that published on a weekly basis. He was quiet and reserved that's why writing features was his only outlet of how he felt. Pouring out feelings verbally was not his skill nor his cup of tea. It was not something he could do without feeling anxious. And that's why he decided to become part of the school newspaper and write features.  
  
  


What he wrote was pure and basically filled with raw emotion. He did not want his upperclassmen and editors to make any changes in what he submits to them. Editing out his feelings would take away the quality and warmth that his readers seem to like. And more importantly, it would not convey his message to his muse if his muse ever read his works.   
  
  


His muse played the most important role of all for all of Jinyoung's works revolved around him. Originally he was a cold person who felt no compassion towards others. A person who did not care much for himself and saw each event in his life as plain black and white. A  _monochrome_ lifestyle that did not fascinate him at all, but it was bearable yet agonizing.   
  
  


What made him change?  
  
  


The muse. A once monochrome day became tinted with color little by little and that was reflected in what he wrote. A big epiphany for someone who did not want to waste his energy on association and attachment. But it was not big enough to get rid of the anxiety and worry within Jinyoung. He has a lot to write about his muse but he has not said a single word to this person. They have not even made eye contact before but Jinyoung did not mind. He did not mind that he was only able to watch his muse from afar. He did not mind that he was only able to hear the muse's laugh at such a low volume. He did not mind at all that he was almost non-existent to his muse, unless he reads Jinyoung's features. It was enough that he knows someone like his muse exists and is happy. And that there is a small probability that he reads his features and maybe he enjoyed reading them as much as Jinyoung enjoyed writing them.  
  
  


It was all about  _him_. It was all about Lee Daehwi.  
  
  


"Hey," Daniel, the newspaper's editor-in-chief, called out to him. It was already after school and it was time for club activities. Sitting inside the club room made Jinyoung fall in a trance, he kept thinking on and on about what he could write. "It's the day before the deadline and I...sort of noticed that you've been working on your feature for a really long time and-"  
  
  


Jinyoung shrugs, he already knows what Daniel was going to tell him. "I'm almost done with it so no, I don't need you to help me write it or edit it." He sighs before turning away from his editor and looking back at his laptop's screen. "Just...give me a few minutes. I'll send it in, I haven't missed a deadline ever since I started writing for the paper so you don't have to worry."   
  
  


There was no writer's block and no, he was not having trouble writing. Just like every other feature article he has written, he is just conflicted on whether what he was writing was good enough. Whether he was able to get his message across and whether he was able to convey it with the purest and sincerest emotions.   
  
  


This week he was given a question to answer for his feature. The student body read his features diligently, so the club decided to get everyone involved by letting them submit questions for Jinyoung to answer. He did not mind it because it opened up an opportunity for him to keep writing how he felt. And for this week the question that was chosen by their newspaper head was: How does it feel to have someone become the center of your universe?  
  
  


Simple yet it held a lot of depth if given a lot of time to think about it. And that was his problem, he overthinks his answers and begins to question whether it was enough or was it too much. Holding back would lessen his work's quality and he did not like that at all. So for the past days he had been writing and backspacing whatever he wrote and ended up lost.   
  
  


_How does it feel to have someone become the center of your universe?_

_I was a lone meteorite in the galaxy that did not have a specific place or time to be. I was not bound or held back by a gravitational pull. I was not lost but I somewhat longed to be found. It got lonely roaming around on my own. A sudden realization struck me one day when I saw something so bright and radiant. I was not a meteorite. I was a planet that revolved around a sun._

_I have found myself gravitating towards a sun and although it was just endless rotations day and night, I did not find myself tired. Every day that passed and began, I was more than energized to keep going. All of a sudden all the darkness in my lone journey in the galaxy as a meteorite became illuminated and I realized that my world revolved around you, my sun. The cold and numbing feel of the universe became warm the moment I found myself revolving around you._

_I found purpose because you became the center of my universe and although it is a simple one, I can't help but complicate it. I simply revolve around you, but like the universe where our planet belongs in, I am not the only one in your solar system. Other planets surround you and sadly, there are closer to you and I, on the other hand, am the farthest. As the sun at the center of many people's solar system, you bring warmth. Being the farthest from you, I receive the least warmth but it was enough to bring forth spring in my once icy heart._

_My being is only one among many that revolve around your existence that is why I somehow doubt that you would notice me. I am too far from you, too far to been seen by you but to me, you are close enough to gaze on. The distance between us does not harm the both of us. You do not know I exist but I do not wish for you to know either. Being able to see you is enough. I am contented with knowing you exist. No harm is done. No one is in pain. The planet that I embody is in a state of tranquility as long as you are at the center of the solar system it belongs in._

_This feeling is not love, it is not anything. No attachment. Only your pull that keeps me at bay, only your warmth that brings me comfort on nights that I feel numb, only your radiance that showed me color in a monochrome journey in my first journey, and only your existence matters._   
  
  


"I'm sending it to your email right now," he says loud enough for Daniel to hear who, in reply, just nodded his head.   
  
  


A few minutes later, after receiving the article and reading it Daniel remains silent but a smile forms on his face. "As usual, your work is filled with emotion," he remarks to Jinyoung who was already packing up his things.  
  
  


"Yeah, so don't edit it or else it will just become news."  
  
  


"I understand," Daniel laughs as he saw Jinyoung's scowl. "I'm glad I get to be one of the few people who sees you project other emotions other than your blank face." And once again, his editor lets out a soft laugh that continues to make Jinyoung shrug, but in a good way.  
  
  


Daniel was a year older than Jinyoung but he did not look down on him. More than anything, he was concerned about Jinyoung and worried if he was alright. They knew each other from way back in middle school because Jinyoung moved into the same apartment complex as him. It took over a year before Daniel got his underclassman to actually talk to him, even though it was only an exchange of greetings and basic questions such as how was their day going. Not really a full blown close friendship, but nonetheless, he was the only person Jinyoung ever associated with.   
  
  


"Don't get used to it," Jinyoung whispers to himself before getting up and slinging his bag on his shoulder. He said that with a hint of bitterness because Daniel was at his final year of high school already. Although associating with others brings chaos and sorrow, he still can't deny that once Daniel leaves, there will be a part of him that goes with the guy. Finally he says his goodbyes to Daniel and the other writers before leaving school for the day.   
  
  


Walking alone from school going back to his apartment wasn't unusual for him. He could have waited for Daniel to finish with editing but he didn't want to pressure him and he also loves the solitude he gets. The world feels quiet like this, like there's no one else but him. Living life everyday, following a cycle and it seems as though there is no way out of it. At such a young age, he is already living a dull and boring life comparable to an average adult's life at age 25.  
  
  


Monochrome. Simply monochrome and dull, that was his life. Although it is like that, he does not waste his time. His life still has it's own depth but he chooses not to acknowledge it for his sake and sanity. If he let life kick him around then that would be wasting time, but as long as he ignores it all then he is living. Playing oblivious does not work all the time, he still experiences life's sucker punches and for the past few years endured it. He manages somehow and that was because is black and white picture was distorted.  
  
  


A laugh, although from a few meters away but loud enough for Jinyoung to hear, coming from behind him was carried by the autumn breeze. He did not need to turn around because he knew whose laugh it was and how effective it is in warming his heart and clearing his mind. The laughter was accompanied by the sound of footsteps and voices of people that he muted out just to be able to take in the sweet sound of Daehwi's laugh.   
  
  


"Jihoon-ah, you know I love chocolate!" Daehwi says as he laughs afterwards. He was walking with a classmate of his and did not feel the presence of Jinyoung, who hid himself before the two of them could pass him.  
  
  


And on that chilly evening, Jinyoung learned that Daehwi loved chocolate and began comparing the sweetness of his voice and laughter to that of chocolate. He was the farthest from him but he felt warm that evening, disregarding the fact that he had stood in the middle of the sidewalk earlier for too long while he was listening to Daehwi's laughter and almost got caught. Luckily he realized before it was too late and was able to dwell more in the beautiful sound.   
  
  


Finally arriving home, he plops himself onto his bed and closed his eyes. The apartment was quiet but the sound of Daehwi's laughter still echoed in his ears and that was enough to lull him to sleep.  
  
  


_And only your existence matters_.   
  
  


That was Bae Jinyoung's last thought before completely falling asleep so early in the evening.


	2. Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cannot love you but for now I will admire you. I will smile when you smile. I will bask in your warmth. I will be contented with this distance. I only hope that you will allow me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions or feedback please hmu :) i am happy to be able to share my fic with you all! Please enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing!

Jinyoung's features always get people excited and with every new article published people ask for more. The feature he wrote the other day easily became the talk of the school, but Jinyoung was not the type of person to boast nor care about what other people thought. Besides, he opted to use a pseudonym therefore the talk of the school was not Bae Jinyoung's article but  _Inneeka_ 's article. Also, writing under a pen name would help make his life easier and drama free. No one knows that he writes such articles and he hopes it stays that way.  
  


"Whoever wrote this must be madly in love," someone who was sitting behind Jinyoung in class suddenly remarked. Jinyoung didn't really react to her and just continued writing his report before the next class starts.  
  


"You think so?"   
  


"Yeah, I mean, just by reading the articles every week it's pretty obvious," she laughs which brings a sinking feeling to Jinyoung's stomach. "I overheard from the other writers that the supposed feature refuses to let anyone edit his works. I don't know the reason behind it though but the articles really scream romance."  
  


"To be specific,  _an unrequited romance_."  
  


Listening to the conversation behind him make his chest feel heavy and his hand shake. Just like what he usually did, he just muted out other people and tried to calm his nerves. After failing to do so he just decided to skip the next class since it was the period before lunch anyway. He told the class representative that he'll just go the restroom but left out that he wasn't going to come back for a while.  
  


Aimlessly, he ends up staying at the school rooftop where no one could find him. It was one of those days again where it the world decides to be mean to him. He didn't know why his classmates' conversation affected him so much because he usually takes criticism very lightly and doesn't dwell much in it. He can handle people dissing his article or laughing at it but he just can't handle it when people say he's  _in love_.  
  


All he writes about is Daehwi. Just how he feels but he never considered it as love. When he thinks about it, he doesn't have the desire to be close to Daehwi, he doesn't want to disturb the one-sided admiration they have. He can't possibly love Daehwi, it just doesn't seem right at all. The only thing he is sure about is that Daehwi makes him all sorts of things that he can't imagine experiencing from someone else.  
  


He sits down, back against the wall, and looking straight into the distance. The sky wasn't blue, it was going to rain that day which Jinyoung empathizes with. The sky was grey and gloomy and so was Bae Jinyoung.  
  


"I am not in love," he mutters while looking down at his hands. His hands were cold and he didn't like it. Stupid move to leave his coat on his desk.  
  


It was undeniably cold and for some reason Jinyoung hated it. On usual days he would prefer being cold and feel numb but today wasn't one of those days. The sound of a certain boy's laugh is still vivid in his imagination and somehow that warms him up. He believes that he's not in love but he can say that this isn't just nothing to him. Daehwi was special, he knew that very well.  
  


Why was Jinyoung so opposed to being in love? Well, it's rooted to how he grew up with a broken family and how his view on love was twisted by the things he witnessed.   
  


Due to the cold weather he ends up closing his eyes and after a few minutes dozes off. The moment he falls asleep he remembers his childhood and how it numbed him even more. He sees his parents and reminisces in the warm feeling his home used to have. Being young and oblivious, he did not know that it was all a lie and just for show so people didn't see through the flaws of his family. Later on he learns that his father was having an affair while his mother worked three jobs and was barely home because of it. As he was growing up the warmth of his home slowly faded into a chilly and empty feeling. His parents stopped picking him up, they stopped showing up for school activities, they stopped having dinner with him and they stopped being around when he needed them.  
  


To add to the dreary childhood, his father would often tell him to lie. Being a naive child, he just agreed because his father always promised to buy him candy or a new toy, which never happened. He also got hit every one in a while whenever his father was a bit drunk, but that was okay, he thought. His father spent time with him, and that was okay. He was a bit apologetic that his mother was unaware of it all, but he didn't want to burden her any more than she already is.  
  


Jinyoung grew numb and empty after a while. Broken promises and new bruises every time his father came home. He would cry when no one was around and sleep before his mother could witness such a pitiful scene. But his mother caught on eventually, seeing her son bruised and puffy eyed one day. The cracks within the warm home and family showed and grew more evident, eventually leading to a divorce.   
  


It wasn't an unusual feat, there were many divorces all around the world and many other people never see their parents around because of work. Jinyoung did not complain and let things happen. After 2 years, he was 14 at that time, his mother remarried and so did his father. For every wedding, he was there sitting in front and just applauding without feeling any remorse or hatred.  
  


_Ah this is what love does_ , he thought to himself. Love was warm on the exterior but cruel and painful on the interior. He doesn't want to go through it. He doesn't want to wake up one morning and decide that he is not in love with his beloved person. He doesn't want to hurt anyone nor does he want to be hurt.   
  


Love is temporary. You can say you love someone but not actually mean it. You can say you love someone but at the same time be in love with someone else. This was the twisted view of love that Jinyoung has grown accustomed to as he was growing up.   
  


He does not want to be in love with Lee Daehwi. He does not want to experience this pain and to make someone to bright and warm become tinted with dark hues and cracked.   
  


No, he doesn't want to ruin Daehwi.  
  


Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jinyoung feels something warm on his shoulder. If it was just anyone's hand, it wouldn't be this warm and it wouldn't have woken him up. He wishes that he was still dreaming because once he opens his eyes and sees the center of his universe, he won't be able to hold back his tears.  
  


"Hey!" He was greeted by the man of the hour, Lee Daehwi. Behind the blank look on Jinyoung's face he was smiling. "Are you alright? I went up here since it was already break time and I saw you here sleeping. I was going to leave so I wouldn't disturb you but you seemed to have an uneasy expression on your face earlier so I was worried." Daehwi smiled at him and oh god, it warmed up his entire system.   
  


"I...I need to go," Jinyoung acts on impulse without thinking things through.  
  


_No, go back you idiot. Go back, that was a once in a lifetime chance. You might never be that close to him if you leave now_. His mind tried convincing him but his heart was afraid. He was afraid that if he stayed even a minute longer he wouldn't be able to stop.  
  


Jinyoung stands up and dusts off his uniform before bowing his head a little to Daehwi, avoiding eye contact. Oh how he wished he could indulge more in with the being in front of him but he's more than aware that he couldn't.  
  


"I hope you're alright though! I'm Lee Daehwi from class 1-C by the way!" was the last thing Jinyoung heard from Daehwi before he frantically rushed downstairs. His heart was beating so fast that stopped halfway to his classroom to catch his breath.  
  


After regaining his composure, he straightened out his uniform and went back to his classroom. When he entered, no one looked at him and no one really bothered to ask where had been. For the next few hours until classes ended, Jinyoung pretended that he had no encounter with Daehwi and just tried silencing the regret in his heart.  
  
  
  
  


"Jinyoung-ah," Daniel calls out. It was time for club activities which Jinyoung was not really looking forward to mainly because he had procrastinated his next article and because the thought of the events earlier still ran through his mind. "You seem troubled, but since you didn't start anything for your next article, you'll have to set it all aside for now. Here's the question you have to answer this week," a slip was handed over to him and the question made him shrug.  
  


"Yeah, sorry for uh avoiding this until now. I'll try to finish, I guess," he says before quickly turning away and going back to his desk.  
  


Daniel was more than worried, he sort of felt bad for telling Jinyoung to focus on the article rather than helping him sort out his thoughts. But what could he do? He's the editor-in-chief and he can't let the teachers look badly at them. He makes a mental note to ask Jinyoung what was going on before he goes home.  
  


The question that made the feature writer so uncomfortable is:  _How does it feel to be in love?_  It's ironic how this question is something readily answered by many but he, himself, is having trouble trying to come up with anything.  
  


"Daniel hyung, what kind of question is this?" Jinyoung sighs because there's nothing else he could do.  
  


"Yeah, it seems easy enough, don't you think?" Daniel replies to him but he isn't looking at Jinyoung. He was busy typing away on his laptop to be able to hold eye contact with the him.  
  


There was no room for complaints and he just didn't want to burden him any more. A habit that he wishes to get rid of: not being able to speak up.  
  


For the next hour Jinyoung tries to dig dip and answer the question but every time he forms a sentence he quickly backspaces it thinking that he could write something better. Eventually he ends up with a blank document and messed up thoughts. He closes his laptop, accepting defeat and ready to go home.  
  


This was a first for him. He never usually gave up on writing something. He never has nothing to say because every other article that he has written practically writes itself. Why did the question have to be about love?  
  


Standing up, everyone looks at him but immediately goes back to work and trying to meet their deadlines. Daniel, on the other hand, gives Jinyoung an apologetic look before telling him to take care on his way home. Jinyoung replies with the same words before leaving.  
  


How can Jinyoung write an article if he does not feel love towards Daehwi? He's not know what it feels to be  _in love_  but he knows that he feels something for Daehwi, just not love. He mentally kicks himself to not being able to write the article but at the same time feels self-pity because if he can't write anything then he feels like he's betraying Daehwi in a way.  
  


It was already 6:30 in the evening but Jinyoung decided to stop by the park near his apartment to get some fresh air and inspiration. The sky wasn't grey anymore, it was a mix of purple, orange, dark blue and the brightest color, yellow. Witnessing the sky after sunset was nice, it was calming and most of all it was comforting. Once again is was cold, even though he had his coat and sweater on. Just like earlier, he tried to imagine his favorite laugh and the most radiant smile he has seen; just like that it was warm again.  
  
  
  
  


At 10:35 PM, Jinyoung still had a blank document staring at him. His mind had no sure answer to the question, neither did his heart. Every word, phrase or sentence he typed did not meet his expectations so he backspaced every single one that made its way on the document.   
  


No, he does not have writer's block, he just didn't have an answer. For the nth time this evening he sighs deeply and lays his head on this hands.  
  


During that time he began to reminisce at what happened at the rooftop. Even though he still regrets running off and ignoring Daehwi, he was happy at the thought of him being worried about him. Daehwi was worried about him so he stayed with Jinyoung and woke him up. His smile was so bright and his was as smooth as honey. It was something he didn't expect to happen today or on any day actually.   
  


Happiness wasn't the only thing Jinyoung was feeling, there was still the occurrence of fear within him. He got too close to Daehwi today, he was too used to admiring from afar. Maybe he's afraid that if Daehwi gets too close he might actually consider that he is  _in love_ , he might not be able to hold back anymore if that's the case. That's why running away from Daehwi was his only option, or so he thought. Jinyoung also carried the fear that Daehwi will hate him. Daehwi will see him in a bad light and be forced to stay away, far from Jinyoung's sight.   
  


No. He won't let that happen and for that to actually be avoided, it is better that he stays far away and not feel any love towards Daehwi. And with this, Jinyoung has found his answer.  
  


_The color of love, if you look it up, is red but in my opinion the color of love is yellow. Yes, the bright color that we wake up to in the morning when the sun is already out and shining through our window. The same color that feels warm just by looking at it and the same color that attracts attention even from a far._

_Love is the color yellow._

_I, myself, have written so many things but am clueless of what actually is love. I have not thought about love when I write the words that you all read. Am I really in love? I am not sure, I am simply writing about how I feel towards my muse, my light. If it is love, then I do not wish for it be that way. I do not wish to be in love but I wish only to feel the color warmth and see the radiance of my muse. I simply wish to admire. I simply wish for their happiness._

_What is love? Does it truly reflect the color yellow? Is it only wrapped with warmth and surrounded by light or does it bear cracks that hold flaws? I wish to know so I may determine what I feel towards you, my muse, if only you could enlighten me._

_For now I must rest my case and say that I am not in love, only because I choose to be distant yet wrapped in your warmth. I cannot love you if I fear that you will hate me. I cannot love you because I am only one among many. I cannot love you because I am afraid to realize so many things I have left in the dark. . The outcome of realization can be the birth of regret and pain that Ido not wish to experience because I do not want to think of you and be reminded of something sad. I cannot love you because if I do, I will stay up late at night with thoughts of what can never be. I cannot love you because you are out of reach and I have chosen to place you at such a high pedestal. A high pedestal for everyone to admire you the way I do, to see your beauty and to give you your freedom. I cannot love you because I do not want to ruin what we have, distance yet warmth._

_I cannot love you but for now I will admire you. I will smile when you smile. I will bask in your warmth. I will be contented with this distance. I only hope that you will allow me._  
  


That evening, he sent his article to Daniel and closed his laptop with the satisfaction of finally understand the first layer of his feelings. He falls asleep by replaying the events of today and once again letting his favorite laughter lull him to dreamland.


	3. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the third chapter of Iridescent! I hope you enjoy it :) please give me feedback if you have any suggestions :)

Saturday has become Jinyoung's least favorite day of the week because he has to break that day and the following without seeing Daehwi. He has grown accustomed to Daehwi's warmth and being even farther from usual from it was difficult, so for the weekend he has to settle for the warmth radiating from his heater. At the back of his mind he thought,  _Daehwi was warmer_.  
  
  


The article was published yesterday and once again people talked about it. This did not faze him, he did not mind people talking on and on about his article as long as they do not find out that he is the guy behind it all. Most of the talk is about how heart-warming the article is but some expressed that they feel pity for the writer. Pity? That was the last thing Jinyoung needed from his school mates.  
  
  


He didn't want people to look down on him, especially because they're just readers and they don't know what he has been through. Lately, those out of context criticisms have bothered him in a way that he wishes he just never published the article. For a brief moment he scolds himself for thinking that way because he didn't write for anyone, he didn't write to impress them, he simply writes so that one day his feelings will get through to Daehwi, which is unlikely to happen.  
  
  


A knock on his door disturbs his thoughts, which causes him to sigh as he stood up to see who's out there so early in the morning. He looked through the peeping hole and saw Daniel waving so he decided to walk back to his bed.  
  
  


"Hey, Jinyoung-ah!" Daniel calls out with a feminine tone making Jinyoung cringe. "I know you're in there, come on spend some time with your hyung!" The door was opened now because Jinyoung felt half guilty from walking away and half wanting to make Daniel stop embarrassing him.  
  
  


Walking inside and heading straight for Jinyoung's bed, Daniel acted as if it was his home. Well, they've known each other for years so they were comfortable with each other. Jinyoung just stands at the entrance of his room, watching Daniel with a displeased look.  
  
  


"Seongwoo is meeting up with me in a few, want to come?" Daniel sits up on Jinyoung's bed and straightens out the blanket that he messed up when he jumped on his bed.  
  
  


Only Daniel was able to bring out a less stiff and timid side of Jinyoung. After moving out of stepfather's house wen he was 14 years old, Daniel has been there for him a lot but he just doesn't want to admit it. And it would be rude of him to turn down Daniel after everything he and his mother had done for him. Without Daniel he would probably forget to eat at least twice a day. He's a brother that he wished he had but never did.  
  
  


"I don't know...wouldn't that mean you two flirting and me just sitting there..." Jinyoung was really hesitant and you can detect the  _I don't want to go with you_  in his voice and he hopes that he catches on.  
  
  


"No! No!" Daniel laughs really loudly but you can notice that his ears were getting red. "I know last time was really awkward for you but I promise it won't be like that."  
  
  


"How reassuring, you said that the last time," the younger boy feels like events from the last meet-up with Seongwoo, Daniel's boyfriend, will have a high probability being repeated today.   
  
  


Daniel pouts at the timid boy but that didn't stop him from trying to convince him. "He'll treat you breakfast if you tag a long," he says with a toothy grin.  
  
  
  
  
  


Jinyoung found himself outside at a family diner with Daniel and Seongwoo, he just couldn't refuse the breakfast offer. Besides, he forgot about breakfast and only remembered when Daniel barged in his apartment. So far nothing displeasing has happened and it was just filled with catching up. He let the minor flirting pass because Daniel seemed like he needed this. For the past month Daniel was stressed with college applications and the school newspaper and this was probably the only time he has been able to breathe freely.  
  
  


"I'm sorry if he had to drag you out so early in the morning to have breakfast with us," Daniel shoots an apologetic look to Jinyoung, followed by a small smile.  
  
  


He didn't want to be rude by saying he was bribed with breakfast and just nods. "Thank you for treating me to breakfast though, I hope I can repay you some time soon," was the only thing he managed to say.  
  
  


"It's alright, you seemed like you needed a good hearty meal."  
  
  


It wasn't as bad as Jinyoung thought it would be. Seongwoo was really nice, he made sure Daniel spent less time gawking at him and actually ate breakfast. He cracked a few jokes here and there which even got Jinyoung to laugh, which is an even rarer feat than him associating with people. Other than Daniel, Jinyoung was comfortable with this hyung. He didn't feel like he needed to hide or act stiff when he's with Seongwoo because he's old enough to understand.  
  
  


"Show him the thing," Daniel chuckles as he looked over as Seongwoo.   
  
  


"The thing?" Jinyoung was confused but awfully curious.  
  
  


Instead of answering verbally, Seongwoo just showed the trick he could do with his ears. While watching, Jinyoung didn't know how to react because he was amazed and at the same time he wondered whether it hurt or not.   
  
  
  
  
  


It was cold again today and Jinyoung appreciated that he had a sweater, a face mask and his coat on along with a scarf. If only he had worn mittens so his hand wouldn't feel the chilly autumn weather.   
  
  


He was alone this time because he decided to part ways with his hyungs so they could spend time alone.  _Daniel should thank me_ , he thought as he walked alone in the park that he always stayed at when he wanted to think things through. Sitting down on the same bench, checking if there was any new vandalism and to his surprise there was.  
  
  


_Inneeka?_   
  
  


Strange, very strange. Was fate pulling strings or does someone like the work as much as he does? It can't possibly be someone who has read his works but curiosity peaked so he decided to write a reply. Luckily he carries around his lucky pen in his coat pocket.  
  
  


_Wassup? -i_   
  
  


He didn't expect a reply from the anonymus vandal but he believes that if fate was playing with him then someone will write a reply. He shoved the pen back in his pocket and enjoyed the scenery a bit more.  
  
  


Seoul is nice but he suddenly felt nostalgic and began to miss his hometown. He began to miss the old lady that would give him biscuits whenever he visited her shop. The less crowded streets, the way you could see the stars at night, the cats that loiter around, and so many more things that Seoul didn't have. They were small things but they matter to Jinyoung, although he would choose to stay in Seoul. At here no one could bother him and remind him that his family was broken, and Daehwi is in Seoul.  
  
  


A familiar laugh caught Jinyoung's attention and he immediately looks around to find its source. The great thing was that he did not need to look for the source; the source came to him. All of a sudden Autumn felt a little warmer when Daehwi sat beside him on the bench.  
  
  


"Somi-ah! Don't hurt yourself over there!" Daehwi shouts at a little girl playing by the pile of dried leaves. He hasn't noticed that Jinyoung was sitting beside him which gave the shy boy an opportunity to gaze at the center of his universe.   
  
  


 _You don't recognize me but I'm satisfied with just that._ Those are Jinyoung's inner thoughts that morning, and suddenly Saturdays became a good thing.  
  
  


"She's a cutie but she can be a handful," Daehwi giggles as he talked about the little girl. His eyes were glistening and Jinyoung melted at the sight of that. "It must be nice to be that young, you don't have to care about school and think about people." Something unexpected from Daehwi but Jinyoung nodded and wanted to hear more. "I'm still young but it's sort of difficult to have more complicated emotions compared to a child. It's so hard being a teenager! People expect a lot from me, they see me as someone who's cheerful and always happy but I have other emotions too, you know?" He sighs but he ends up smiling afterwards though.   
  
  


 _Why is he telling me all this?_ Jinyoung thought to himself as he continued to gaze at the boy sitting beside him. These are Daehwi's inner thoughts and feelings, and even though he's a stranger to him, he gets to listen to him ramble. He understands those feelings and his admiration for the boy deepens. This moment is something that no one else would experience and for that, Jinyoung is grateful towards fate for the very first time.  
  
  


"I'm sorry for venting out to you," Daehwi laughs softly as he shot an apologetic look at Jinyoung. Their eyes meet for a few seconds before Daehwi directs his attention back to Somi. "You must think I'm weird for sharing personal things even though we don't know each other," he scratches the back of his head, hiding the embarrassment he feels.  
  
  


This time, Jinyoung wasn't afraid to talk to him. "I think it's good that you got to release your frustrations. We're not acquainted at all but I hope people see all sides of you. You seem like a good person, putting up a front will tire you out. People will like you nonetheless, just be yourself." Daehwi looked over at Jinyoung with a shocked expression but he was blushing though and at that moment Jinyoung realized that he has said too much and crossed the boundary. He just coughs and stands up to save himself from humiliation, it was great that he had a face mask on so Daehwi couldn't fully recognize him.  
  
  


There was an awkward silence for a while and it really gave Jinyoung goosebumps. He ruined it, he totally ruined it and now he has to save himself from this situation.  
  
  


"Uh...I have to go," he says before turning to look at Daehwi and bowing his head. He turns away and walks away with a pace faster than average.  
  
  


And even though Jinyoung was already a few meters away, Daehwi shouted at him. "Thank you!" He had a smile behind his mask and his body was still warm from their encounter.  
  
  


When he looked up, things became brighter and more vivid in color. Oh how colorful things become when he is near Daehwi, especially today. He wishes that his days were as colorful as today, no longer monochrome but this was temporary.   
  
  


That is why Daehwi was so important.  
  
  
  
  
  


It was Monday again but Jinyoung couldn't help but remember what happened during the weekend. He still feels warm honestly he misses the cold. If he gets too accustomed to this warmth then he might forget how cold and shallow reality really is and he'll just get hurt.   
  
  


 _You idiot, this is just temporary_ , he sighs as he sets down his bag and takes a seat. This was too much, why is the world letting him be this warm to take away later on?   
  
  


It was still early and class won't start for a while so Jinyoung expected some peace and quiet. But he was wrong to expect that. It wasn't noise that disturbed the peace, it sound more like music, a sound smooth as honey, his favorite sound.  
  
  


"Hi! I came to return to this to one of your classmates," the boy says with a pleasant smile on his face and a happy expression too. The "this" Daehwi was referring to was a handkerchief, not just any handkerchief, it was Jinyoung's.  
  
  


"Do you know that person's name?"  
  
  


"Not really," Daehwi laughs, trying to hide his embarrassment. "I do know what he looks like though and this is the only classroom I haven't checked so he must be here?" Being persistent, the other student let Daehwi scan the classroom for the familiar face.  
  
  


The moment Daehwi appeared at the door, Jinyoung was already staring so by the time Daehwi was scanning the classroom they ended up making eye contact. Internally, he curses himself because he was caught staring. Hopefully he wasn't the only one staring at the boy who was making a commotion so early in the morning.  
  
  


Daehwi is approaching Jinyoung with that smile of his and for Jinyoung, it was all in slow motion for some reason. Who would have thought that the person he admired most would approach him? It wasn't by accident or anything, it was intentional because Daehwi was looking for him and only him.  
  
  


The boy sat down on the seat in front of Jinyoung and face behind him. He handed over the handkerchief and flashed the cutest smile ever.   
  
  


"Finally found you," he whispers to Jinyoung and then giggles afterwards. "I kept searching for you and other people gave me a weird look. They still cooperated though so here I am, returning your handkerchief." He didn't look tired or bothered, instead an expression of satisfaction was evident on his face.  
  
  


"Why would you go so far to return a handkerchief though?" Still not comprehending what was going on, Jinyoung held his handkerchief and tried meeting gazes with Daehwi. But really though, why would anyone make such an effort to return an old handkerchief?  
  
  


"Because I would feel bad if I left it at the rooftop," Daehwi giggles which makes Jinyoung feel upset. He was hoping for a different reason though, maybe he he was expecting too much.  
  
  


"Oh...thank you, I guess," he shrugs.  
  
  


Daehwi pouts and ceases his laughing. He thought it was a good joke but he failed. "I'm kidding, I returned your handkerchief because I was worried about you. You weren't in your best shape when I last saw you so I was curious about how you're feeling now." Warm. Jinyoung felt the warmth from his words. And oh, the smile Daehwi had warmed him up even more.  
  
  


He couldn't form a coherent phrase in his mind; he was stuck between flattered and wanting to go outside and feel the cold air because it suddenly became too warm for Jinyoung's liking.   
  
  


"Well...are you alright?" Daehwi asks, looking concerned for the boy in front of him.   
  
  


"I...yeah, thank you again," was the only thing Jinyoung could think of saying. He does not regret it but he wishes he has something better to say.  
  
  


Daehwi giggles at the flustered boy in front of him but he was glad. The same bright smile that Jinyoung admired was flashed on Daehwi's face. This is the closest he has ever been with Daehwi, it beats the two encounters they've had. He won't forget this moment, but he wishes that he will. He was torn but all he wanted to do right now was stay in this moment.  
  
  


"I'm glad to hear that."  
  
  
  
  
  


This week's question is  _How do you want to spend your mornings?_ The moment he read the question, he already knew what to write. He wasn't going to procrastinate this article because this time he had a concrete answer. He already experienced it first-hand too, so it will be easier and the words will just write themselves.  
  
  


Daniel looked over at Jinyoung that afternoon and only smiled at the boy. He knows that he's doing okay and it was a relief to him. He could breathe easier knowing Jinyoung was feeling better and at the same time ecstatic because the feature writer will be able to submit early this time.  
  
  


_I'd spend my morning with you. I'd spend my mornings, may the weather be fair, sunny or with heavy downpour, as long as I get to spend it with you, my days will be sunny every day. Even though you are so far from me, I still wish to spend my mornings with you. For now, the thought of you in the morning when the sun rises will suffice._

_To have you by my side someday will be something out of a romance novel. I have planned out in my mind the things we will do in the mornings that we are together under one roof. In the morning I will watch you in your sleep and admire everything about you, the features that I am not able to admire from afar. I will watch the sun tint your skin with it's warm light and admire that as well, because you are much like the sun and I wish to be the one you shine upon every morning. When you wake up I'll greet you and we'll laugh at how silly our hair looks like. But I still think you're wonderful either way._

_We'll have breakfast in a poorly lit diner and order your favorites, that I have yet to know so I am looking forward to mornings like this. Our booth is in the far back so the lighting is very poor, yet I still see how radiant you are. I see just how wonderful you are, even without 10 watt light bulbs. You are happy to see your breakfast but oh ethereal being, you do not know how happier I am when I am finally able to see that look on your face. Watching you eat already fills my stomach so I let you take a bite from my own order. Oh you got cream on your cheek from the whipped cream on the pancakes, I laugh at how flustered you get so I wipe your cheek. These are the moments I will want to keep, maybe I'll get a camera and capture everything. Albums will be filled by you and only you, I wish to see you shine even when I am not there beside you in photographs._

_There's a park where we'll sit down and watch passerby. We'll watch everyone but in that moment, I will only know of your presence. If the weather is cold, you will warm me up, like you always do. Small talk will play a big role. I don't mind if you blabber on what you did days ago, how long you took to get ready, which apple you thought was redder or which sock got stuck in the dryer this time. I will listen to every single detail, how you laugh, how you scrunch up your nose, how you pout and everything in between. I do not wish for you to stop talking, I do not wish for that moment to end, I do not wish to leave out anything. I want to know you, the you that others fail to see. The flawed you, the pained you and the scarred you. I wish to see all of it, to know of it._

_On mornings when I am with you, whether the weather is fair, sunny or with heavy downpour, I can confidently say that I spent my morning meaningfully. A meaningful beginning as long as I am with you. With you, nothing is without meaning._

_Sadly, mornings like this will not exist. You will not be with me when day breaks. You will not sit opposite of me in poorly lit diners. You will not be beside me when are at the park I speak highly of. This is all a fantasy of mine. Hopes and dreams that will never happen because I fear that when I am with you, you will not see the meaning of these mornings. But if by one day we are brought together, even for a brief moment, I wish to tell you all of these. I wish to tell you that my mornings are meaningful with you beside me or just by seeing you from afar._

_When morning breaks I will look up at the sky and as time passes the blue hues will remind me of you. It is no mystery how you bring undesired sadness along in the morning as I remember your absence and the cold it brings yet the thought of you spending your mornings happily calms me and rids me of the loneliness that creeps onto me when I am without you. The blue of the sky brings such nostalgic feelings that have become quiet burdensome yet I am delighted to feel these over and over again just to have an image of you imprinted in my mind._

_How I spend my morning is something I wish to discuss with you over coffee someday, when the weather is fine and you are smiling even though you are not mine._


	4. Orange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please let me, for a little longer, believe that you do not hate me the way I hate myself for not knowing what it is I want; for not knowing what to do when I've come face to face with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This fic was originally posted on Wattpad but under recommendation from a reader I also posted it here :)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy and I'm grateful for the feedback you all are giving me! I hope I can meet your expectations!
> 
> P.S. The length of the fic will range from 11-15 chapters :)

The past next few days went by like a blur and although winter was just right at the doorstep, it was somewhat warmer; well that was what Jinyoung had thought. Winter became bearable because he found warmth in Daehwi's radiant soul and that was enough for him. It was enough to make him understand that his feelings were getting deeper, but acceptance did not come with that understanding.  
  
  


After Daehwi and Jinyoung's encounter in class 1-A's classroom, they began spending time with each other. Although there were days that Jinyoung still felt overwhelmed by the fact that he is able to admire Daehwi at a much closer distance, yet the once comfortable atmosphere he used to feel as he watched Daehwi from a respectable distance faded and was overshadowed by an air that made it difficult to breathe for some reason. It was something he couldn't explain but he could feel it,  _he did not like it at all_.  
  
  


Today was one of those days in where he felt smaller than usual and he did not want to see Daehwi, or more specifically he did not want Daehwi to see him like this. When the radiant boy went over to 1-A's classroom and asked for Jinyoung, the cautious boy sat somewhere out of sight. Good thing his classmates don't really notice his presence so they dismissed Daehwi, telling him to try searching in the library.  
  
  


Jinyoung felt bad the entire morning. He didn't want to hide from Daehwi because when he hid, he cannot sneak a peek at the boy who made his heart beat faster than usual. Hiding seemed like the only thing he could do while he tried to ease his unbearable and burdensome thoughts. It felt like there was no escape from overthinking, because it, along with the guilt of hiding from Daehwi, was eating him up.  
  
  


Class proceeded without any interruption, it just went on and on but Jinyoung learned to mute out the sound his teacher's voice and the sound coming from the contact between the marker and board. He built a barrier between him and the world, nothing could get through him at that moment and often he would get scolded by the teacher for not being attentive whenever he was called to read a passage or answer a question. It was strange for him to be like that in class since he had always done well in school, except the social interaction with others and the oral tasks but other than that his grades were great.   
  
  


He needs to snap out of it.  
  
  


Once the bell for break time rang, he sped off to the comfort room to clear his mind. He splashed his face with water made him shiver but sigh deeply afterwards. Small beads of water hung on the tips of his bangs, he pushed his hair back, exposing his forehead. He looked at himself on the mirror and scrunched his eyebrows.  
  
  


"Get it together, stop running away from him," he whispers to himself and afterwards sighs deeply again. "He  _wants_  to be around you...not as much as you want to be around him but that's good enough, right?" He straightens up his posture and fixes his appearance before, once again, taking a deep breath.  
  
  


Sooner or later he will have to accept his fate and face Daehwi without flinching or hiding. He prays really hard so that day will come soon because it's proving to be quite difficult already. There's no escape, he should accept that already before this all blows up in his face. Besides, he did nothing wrong and it's not like he's forcing himself on anyone. It's his dream to be around someone who makes him feel so warm, so why should he run away?  
  
  


He was incredibly lucky that no one entered the comfort room while he was there making a scene by talking to himself. As he walked outside he could hear people just walking past the comfort room which made him feel less tensed. To his surprise, the boy he had been evading the entire day was standing there, greeting him with a bright smile like always. Without another word, the boy grabs him by the wrist and pulls him as they began to walk quickly through the hall. Since he felt guilt towards the boy, he just let him do as he pleased, but he can't lie that he was excited and his heart was beating fast again.  
  
  


The sudden change in brightness made his eyes squint but after a while he was able to at the boy, who held him by the wrist, again. It was a scene out of a drama but he couldn't feel his uneasiness fade away so quickly. They were back at the roof top, where they first met a few weeks ago. Somehow, the presence of other people sort of disheartened him but that put his mind at ease and made his heart go back to beating at a normal rate.  
  
  


"Daehwi!" One of them called out, waving the two of them over.   
  
  


They were familiar to Jinyoung since he always saw them hanging around Daehwi. He didn't know their names specifically by he knew they were both a year ahead of them.   
  
  


"Is that him?"   
  
  


"Yeah!" Daehwi nudges Jinyoung, telepathically telling him to stand beside him instead of behind him. "This is Bae Jinyoung from class 1-A," Daehwi introduces the boy beside him to gives a nod to his hyungs. Nope, he couldn't make eye contact with them so he just kept his head down.  
  
  


"Don't look down donsaeng, we don't bite. I'm Park Jihoon from class 2-B," he was good-looking, no doubt about it. When Jinyoung made eye contact with Jihoon, he gave him a wink which made him feel flustered all of a sudden, making Jihoon laugh.  
  
  


"You're making him uncomfortable," the other boy rolls his eyes at Jihoon. Jihoon sticks his tongue out in response to him, making Jinyoung feel even more at ease. "I'm Park Woojin, also from class 2-B. Please don't let my idiot friend make you feel awkward," he chuckles while holding has hand out, anticipating a hand shake.  
  
  


"It's nice to meet you both, please take care of me." Jinyoung says as he accepts the hand shake offered by Woojin.  
  
  


The sight of that makes Daehwi smile even without Jinyoung noticing. He was glad he could help him in any sort of way and he hopes that he won't avoid him anymore.  
  
  


Other than Daniel and Seongwoo, Jinyoung did not have other acquaintances. He has yet to determine the association between him and Daehwi so he can't immediately say they are friends, although the thought of it excites him. Through Daehwi, he had made two new acquaintances who were not afraid to reach out to him and did not think of him as a drag.  
  
  


They sat down by the wall where Daehwi and Jinyoung first met. Since Jinyoung was brought up to the rooftop right after washing his face, he was not able to buy anything to eat. Not to worry though, Daehwi came prepared and got lunch for Jinyoung before he came up with him.  
  
  


"I'm sorry for suddenly dragging you up here," Daehwi apologizes but Jinyoung wasn't really mad or displeased by being brought up to the rooftop.   
  
  


"It's alright, I was going to look for you anyway so I guess it works out for both of us?" This was probably the first coherent sentence that Jinyoung has even said to Daehwi. It was achievement that he was very proud of which was evident when he smiled.  
  
  


"Maybe it was fate?" Daehwi giggles at his joke along with Jihoon and Woojin, but I guess Jinyoung didn't find it as funny.   
  
  


"Hmm...maybe," he whispers. It was half-meant because deep down he wished it would have been fate, not just some accident.  
  
  


Daehwi had bought an assortment of kimbap and gimbap from he convenience store earlier before he went to school. He wanted to share with Jinyoung because it was his favorite, not just because he felt bad for dragging his new friend. The others also took some to eat and shared what they had, mostly sandwiches.  
  
  


"I also got you strawberry milk since you mentioned the other day that you like it." Behind Daehwi was a plastic bag in where he brought out the drink for Jinyoung and also for everyone.  
  
  


"Thank you!" Everyone told Daehwi because they were happy to receive such a thoughtful present. It would be an understatement to say Jinyoung was not blushing that his ears turned red. Luckily his hyungs believed him when he said he was just cold.  
  
  


_Someone actually thought about me_ , he thought to himself as he took a sip from his favorite drink that his favorite person bought for him. It tasted even better than usual for Jinyoung, and maybe it's because Daehwi got it for him with the thought that it was his favorite drink. It was the first time that someone actually listened to what he liked and remembered it. Even though it was something with a low value, Jinyoung saw it as the most valuable present someone has given him.  
  
  


"Do you have any hobbies?" Jihoon asked Jinyoung who was enjoying the kimbap Daehwi had brought with him. "It doesn't have to be a sport or anything physical, it just has to interest you enough," he smiled.  
  
  


"I like admiring things from afar," Jinyoung blurted out of impulse. He was speechless after what he said because he thought his hyungs would think of him as a stalker.   
  
  


_Ah, shit I just ruined it,_  he thought to himself as he mentally beat himself up.   
  
  


"That's nice, I can relate to you. I also like admiring things from afar, especially scenery," Jihoon chuckled. No one looked at him differently, they just accepted what he said. He didn't understand why but it was comforting to know that they weren't close-minded and would listen to what he said.  
  
  


"Usually that sort of habit springs forth from unrequited love, right?" Woojin said without skipping a beat. And that was enough to make Jinyoung feel flustered and a bit anxious.   
  
  


The frantic boy began to fidget with his fingers, trying to distract himself from the tension he feels. It was an internal conflict because he knows that he only watches Daehwi was but, for a fact, he is not in love. His palms were sweaty and he was having a hard time avoiding meeting the eyes of the people sitting with him, especially Woojin who had brought up the topic. Oh how he wished someone would change the topic because it was getting too tense for his liking.  
  
  


_Does he know anything? Is he aware of who I am and what I admire so much?_  Jinyoung was panicking and his thoughts did not make it any easier for him. He hated being this way, he hated that he was weak and easily broken down. He was not tough like everyone else, he would easily break down if given the circumstance.  
  
  


"Dude, you read too many novels and watch too many dramas." Jihoon remarks, breaking that silence that loomed for a while. Daehwi bursts out laughing almost choking on the gimbap in his mouth and because of that Jinyoung finds it in his heart to laugh as well.  
  
  


"You know those dramas are big hits for a reason you know," Woojin sticks his tongue out to Jihoon who just returns the favor as well. That playful gesture of the hyungs made the two first years laugh.  
  
  


The rest of the lunch break was filled with laughter and the atmosphere around them felt lighter than earlier. He learned so many things about the hyungs which makes Jinyoung feel like he has a deeper association with them. Although Daehwi didn't say much, his laughter was enough to make everything seem so bright and enough to make autumn as warm as summer.   
  
  


If he had to pick his favorite moment during their break, it would have be watching Jihoon and Daehwi do  _aegyo_  to prove who was cuter. Of course being a bit biased, Jinyoung picked Daehwi as the one who did it better, making Jihoon jokingly sigh in defeat. But that wasn't the end of it, Woojin didn't back down either so he imitated the two but Jihoon wouldn't have it and forced him to stop. It was a nice scene, a great picture to paint in his thoughts if he desires to reminisce in happy thoughts. But nothing could compare to his favorite masterpiece, Daehwi's smile.  
  
  
  
  
  


As usual, Jinyoung stopped by the newspaper club, finally ready to take the question from Daniel. He's being inconsistent with his writing lately since he has been caught up with interactions with Daehwi. The article was due on Friday which is tomorrow, and if not passed a bit earlier than that then Daniel will have to pull another all-nighter to keep track of the layout and article editing. Articles depend on Jinyoung's feature because of the space it takes up therefore if they don't get his article then it would mean trouble.   
  
  


When Jinyoung walked into the club room, Daniel stared at him for a while. He didn't get mad the boy for procrastinating his article once again, he was getting used to it already and he's also a fan of the boy's features. Instead he felt really relieved because Jinyoung had someone to keep him company and distracted since Daniel didn't have the time and luxury to spend time with the boy. He was really busy with the school newspaper, studying for college entrance exams and his relationship that he doesn't have enough hours in a day to hang out with his neighbor anymore. Without those people who accompany Jinyoung, he would be worried about the boy and wouldn't be able to live it down if he is reminded that he is neglecting someone.  
  
  


"Yah," Daniel says loud enough for Jinyoung to hear. When he catches the attention of the boy, he scans his face and expression and he sees no problem whatsoever,  _what a relief_. "Do you enjoy making problems for your hyung by cutting it close with deadlines?"  
  
  


"Not really," Jinyoung answers with a chuckle.   
  
  


_That's rare_. Daniel was taken aback by the sudden show of emotions from Jinyoung. He thought he would have to wish on at least five shooting stars to get that kind of reaction from the boy but all it took was new friends.  
  
  


"Well if you don't enjoy it, please get started already and next time don't procrastinate, okay?" He scolds the  _dongsaeng_  and hands him the question for this week. Carefully, he watches the boy, trying to read his thoughts but gives up when he goes back to his seat.  
  
  


The room was quiet, except for the sound of clicks on the keyboard. It was a familiar sound but sometimes it can become suffocating, to the point that it becomes a headache. For Jinyoung, it was comforting to hear it because he feels like nothing can stop him from expressing how he feels. Even though it was a task that not everyone wants to do because you have to have your own opinion, you have no basis at all except your own feelings and you have to be able to attract the attention of readers or else you're just writing for a wall. Those are all important but Jinyoung doesn't exactly write for anyone, except Daehwi who is probably oblivious to it and might not even read the newspaper so it might seem pointless but it was worth it knowing he could voice out his feelings with paper and ink.   
  
  


Jinyoung had words typed down but he felt uninspired to write at the moment. He has a lot to say of course but he doesn't know how to properly word them out to form a coherent sentence. It's not right if he writes this halfheartedly so he decides to stop for the time being. The room didn't seem to give him any inspiration at all so he sits back, covers his face with an open book and extends his legs. Daniel looks up from his own screen and notices the disgruntled writer, how awkward he sits in that chair.  
  
  


"Jinyoung-ah, you can go home if you want to," Daniel tells the boy as he walks over and removes the book from his face. "You shouldn't force yourself if you can't think of anything at the moment, alright?"  
  
  


The disgruntled writer's expression softens when he looks up at his hyung. "Thanks Daniel," shooting the taller boy a small smile. Finally sitting up straight again, he begins packing his stuff with the help of Daniel.  
  
  


"You should introduce me to your new friends soon or else I'll feel like you've replaced me," Daniel jokes to his dongsaeng who smirks back. He was pouting at how the boy reacted to him so he comes down to be face to face with him. "I'm serious though, since I've been busy lately I haven't been able to watch over you. So promise me, alright?"  
  
  


"I promise," Jinyoung replies and does their promise handshake. Once he has tidied up his place, he walks over to the door and tells his goodbyes to everyone. "I'll make sure to get it done as soon as I can," he proudly says, catching the grin on Daniel's face.   
  
  


Some things haven't changed and one of them is how Jinyoung spends his time after school and club activities. Like he always does, he walks alone on his way home. It was peaceful today, he doesn't hear Daehwi's laugh or the clamor coming from tired students. Just him and the cold autumn breeze.   
  
  


On his way home, he decided to stop by the park and sit on his favorite bench. He thinks that if he does that he'll gain even the tiniest bit of inspiration. When he gets there and sits down, he immediately remembers the bench vandalism that he hasn't checked on for a few days. Not that he's hoping for a reply though, but it would be fascinating if someone writes back to him.  
  
  


_didn't think anyone would reply :) nothing much, hbu?_  
  
  


To think some would take the time to read these vandalism is amazing and it made him happy that someone replied to him. Hopefully it isn't just someone messing with him, but he decides to reply anyway.  
  
  


_likewise :) trying to get inspo for an article_  
  
  


A well-known reminder by parents is to never talk to strangers but vandalizing a park bench to talk to someone through writing isn't really dangerous and his parents never really reminded him of such things. Besides, just like in dramas, these things turn out to be very shocking in the end because of big revelations. He thought he could consult Woojin about it later if he finishes his article early.  
  
  


Sitting there was refreshing, more so because he was delighted by the person who replied to him. He brings out a leftover kimbap from lunch earlier and eats it as he watches people walk pass him. It was a bit cold but either way he likes it.   
  
  


_Daehwi's favorite_ , he thinks which makes him feel warm.  _Daehwi wanted Jinyoung to taste it so bought one for him in the morning._ His thoughts makes him light up like a light bulb when he finally gets hit with inspiration.   
  
  


The sky was now a mix of blue, orange and pink. It was breathtaking and calming at the same time. The more he looked at the sky, the more he got inspired and realized what he wanted to write.   
  
  


Due to the sudden inspiration, he quickly finished his kimbap and threw the wrapper away before hurrying home. As he dashed through the crowd he looks back at how good this day has been to him. The people he met today and the laughs he shared with them. At the end of it all, Daehwi's happy expression comes into mind, especially his aegyo that made Jinyoung's heart skip a beat.  
  
  


_Ah, I don't know what to call this feeling but I want to keep feeling it._    
  
  
  
  
  


_Do you believe in fate?_  
  
  


A question that never usually pops into Jinyoung's mind unless asked directly or a sudden life crisis hits him and he begins thinking about a lot of things that does not really have a definite answer. This is why he was having so much trouble thinking of an answer, because how would he know whether fate was real?   
  
  


As soon as he saw the word  _fate_  earlier, he remembered what happened earlier. Daehwi taking a hold of his wrist tas slowly ended up slipping so they held hands as they walking through the halls and up to the roof top. Was it really fate that Daehwi and Jinyoung met up in front of the comfort room without knowing about each other's whereabouts? Jinyoung does not know and he does not wish it to be fate because he does not want to keep hoping on something that isn't tangible.  
  
  


_Fate is not something I choose to believe in. There is no proof that it exists and that it works it's way to bring people together. If you put yourself in the hands of fate then it feels like you have given up on finding the missing piece of you. If fate leads you to who your destiny then I still wonder why there are still many that end up in the hands of heartbreak and broken dreams._

_I am the master of my own reality and I have chosen to live my life without putting myself in the hands of fate. I do not wished to be crushed by something that I freely trusted myself in. Through the course of time I did not search for anyone or anything, instead I walked aimlessly because I believe that if I keep walking on a path of uncertainty, I will discover light._

_You were there at the end of that path, that is why I stopped halfway. I did not want to reach the end, I am afraid that I will lose sight of you or that this is some illusion and you are just a figment of my imagination. I was told that maybe fate brought me to you, that fate is working between us and maybe that's why I choose to distance myself. I do not wish for fate to control when and how I meet you, I do not wish to be unprepared as I may lose my chance._

_Recently, I have began walking towards you with baby steps. I have decided that if I were to get close to you then I would want to be someone you can look straight in the eyes and not look down on. The problem only lies in the fact that I do not love you, more so, I cannot love you. I am not ready to get too close just yet for I fear you still. I do not know when I will be able to get to you, but you tempt me so. I do not love you so I will not go that far yet._

_A full picture. That is what I want before I let myself fully indulge in you. You are the artist and only you can fill in the blanket canvas that is me and recently you've added a new color. Orange is not my favorite, but ironically I do not love any color for I am used to live in a black and white world. You make me feel warm and in everything you do, I am rejuvenated. I watched you tint me with orange but I still fail to see the image you are painting. I still do not understand, but please be patient with me, please do not go father on the path I am taking so I can reach you, so that my path is still illuminated by you. I cannot let fate ruin this, therefore I ignore her._

_Mother fate, please do not intervene with this moment. Please do not push me too far on that path that I am not ready to continue on. I choose to believe that you do not exist because if you do then I have a great fear that I will lose the person that I ever so dearly want to hold on to. I am not ready to move forward in leaps because as you can see I am only able to walk with timid steps. Let me walk on this path alone, let me bask in adoration for a little bit longer, let me live in this moment before you push me too far._

_Please let me, for a little longer, believe that you do not hate me the way I hate myself for not knowing what it is I want; for not knowing what to do when I've come face to face with you._  
  
  


It was 2 in the morning, the day had only began but Jinyoung has found himself in tears. He does not understand why everything suddenly feels tingly and certain parts of him hurt. It was all too much for him to comprehend on his own.   
  
  


Tears that stained his cheeks also stained his sheets but it stained him the most. The canvas Daehwi had painted for him was getting ruined with his tears, it disgusted him. He disgusted himself but he doesn't know why this was happening at this time of day. The lights were turned off and only his screen illuminated the room. No one could see his pathetic state but he needed someone.  
  
  


He dials Daniel's number.


	5. White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As cliche as it sounds, you are beauty and grace itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i meet your expectations! and thank you for the feedback :) please enjoy! and please give wanna one lots of love :>

Last night was a scene that Daniel did not want to witness, but he had to endure it for Jinyoung. If he had not come to Jinyoung's side then things might have ended on a different note. Although Jinyoung met his deadline down to the last minute, the cost of it was his mental stability. After sending his article to Daniel, he broke down. He still does not understand why and when his hyung came over he just sobbed continuously, soaking Daniel's shirt. It was something that neither of them understood and if they were to ask someone else about it, they'll just end up confusing those people.   
  
  


Jinyoung finally fell asleep after a solid half hour of crying on Daniel, who held the fragile boy in his arms. Once he had laid Jinyoung on his bed and tucked him in, he decided to let the boy sleep and miss a day of school instead of forcing more stress onto him. Daniel took off his shirt, which was soaking wet from Jinyoung's tears, and sighed out of worry and helplessness. For a few minutes he went back to his apartment to change into a fresh shirt and brought over his own laptop to the other apartment so he could stay with Jinyoung. He was afraid that the boy will have another scene once he is left alone.  
  
  


Late at night, Daniel massages his temples and takes in deep breaths before continuing to work on the newspaper layout. These needed to be printed as soon as he gets to school and distributed in the afternoon because if not, there will be people who will be disappointed. People looked forward to what Jinyoung writes, his articles keeps the club active and loved by the school even though his identity is kept a secret. Without delay, he finalizes everything until he is satisfied with the output.  
  
  


At almost 4 in the morning, Daniel finishes his tasks as an editor and shuts his laptop. He yawns but quietly so he does not wake up Jinyoung. He had his bad turned to him so when he turned around he watched the boy sleep quietly. A while ago he was a mess and you could tell that he was crying for a while because the rim of his eyes are still a bit red. If he went to school like that then people will point fingers and ask him without end. Daniel doesn't want to trigger another breakdown so he definitely will not let Jinyoung go to school today.  
  
  


Daniel didn't get a wink of sleep because every time he tried to close his eyes he thought Jinyoung would wake up and go somewhere without him knowing. It scared him so he chose not to sleep and just try to rid of the anxiety by reviewing for a test he had today and at the same time watching over the fragile boy.  
  
  


By the time his anxiety had faded away and he could sleep without worry, it was already 5:30 in the morning and he needed to get ready for school. He had to get there early to print the school newspaper so sleep was out of the picture. He went back to his apartment and got dressed for school, his mother asked about Jinyoung and even she was worried about the boy.   
  
  
  


"Hey mom, can you check on him later?" Daniel asked his mom as he ate breakfast. His mother made Jinyoung his own little lunch box for him to drop off before he really leaves for school.  
  
  
  


"Of course, even I'm worried about him. Living alone without his parents is a challenge," Daniel's mom was upset. She was worried about Jinyoung because she cares for him as if he were her own.   
  
  
  


"I'm sorry for staying over at his apartment last night, I just didn't want him to-"  
  
  
  


"Don't mention something like that," his mother sighs trying not to feel even more upset. "He'll be alright, okay? Worry about yourself for now," she gives him an encouraging smile and a rub on his shoulders. He was grateful to have such a nice mother and that's a greater reason for him not to let her down.  
  
  
  


Before leaving he gives his mother a kiss on the cheek and he takes the packed food for Jinyoung. He slowly opened the door, careful not to wake him up. He leaves a note for him so he wouldn't be startled when he wakes up so late.  
  
  
  


"You don't have to be alone Jinyoung-ah, hyung is here for you," he whispers as he fixes the boy's blanket and sweeping his hair to the side. When he is satisfied he locks the door to the apartment and makes his way to the elevator.  
  
  
  


It was only 6:30 in the morning yet a wave of worry collided with those who are close to Bae Jinyoung.  
  
  
  
  
  


"Oh, well he hasn't come in yet. Maybe he's running a little late? Try again later I suppose," one of Jinyoung's classmate told Daehwi. As usual, no one knew where Jinyoung was and no one bothered asking why.  
  
  
  


"Well, I hope he comes to school but anyways, thank you!" Daehwi said, hiding his disappointment behind the golden smile of his. He thought that after yesterday, he and Jinyoung would be able to hang out properly but maybe fate doesn't want them to enjoy their new friendship.  
  
  
  


The second time Daehwi asked for Jinyoung, his classmates still said he didn't come to school and none of them knew why. And once again, a disheartened Daehwi walks back to his two friends, Jihoon and Woojin, with a pout on his face. He regrets not having Jinyoung's number and address because he honestly was really worried.   
  
  
  


"He'll be fine, maybe he's just sick?" Woojin said to console Daehwi but Jihoon hit him lightly on the back of his head.  
  
  
  


"That sounds so comforting Woojin," Jihoon remarks as he rolls his eyes at the boy beside him. "Don't worry, he's alright maybe he just didn't wake up on time."  
  
  
  


Neither scenario made Daehwi feel better at all.   
  
  
  


"Hyung-ah," Daehwi whines as he extends the last syllable. It was just uncomfortable for him to know that his friend is absent and he doesn't even know why. Even though they haven't known each other for long, he cared a lot about Jinyoung. And Daehwi wishes that he knew that. He wouldn't leave Jinyoung because he's his friend and he cares for him more than he thinks.  
  
  
  


The periods after that were boring and Daehwi would rather skip class because it became a total chore to concentrate to theorems and slopes. All the complicated things made his head hurt which made him feel even more agitated. There were so many things going on in his mind and he was mostly problematic about Jinyoung, so he didn't need mathematics to screw him up even more.  
  
  
  


Each minute passed by slowly as if time was slowing down on purpose to get under Daehwi's skin. It definitely seems convincing enough him so with every movement of the longer hand he muttered how much he wishes he wasn't stuck in this classroom learning something he didn't need.   
  
  
  


The long battle between him and time finally ended so he rushed out of his classroom, desperate to meet up with his two friends and eat all his stress away. While he was hurrying, he bumped into one of his seniors which made him quite embarrassed.  
  
  


"You're Jinyoung's friend, right?"   
  
  
  


To his surprise, the senior was Kang Daniel, a friend that Jinyoung barely talke about but his name was brought up probably twice. Daehwi had so many questions in his mind but he wanted to let his senior speak first so he just nodded.  
  
  
  


"I'm Kang Daniel, class 3-D, nice to meet you..." Daniel held out his hand for Daehwi to shake and at the same time he was expecting an introduction from him so he kept gesturing him to talk.  
  
  
  


"Lee Daehwi, class 1-C, please take care of me," he bows and looks back up again at the nice senior. "Is Jinyoung alright?" That was the first thing he asked but he couldn't hold it back for long knowing Daniel might be the only one who knew.  
  
  
  


Daniel scratches the back of his head but gives a smile to him. "He's just resting today, don't worry about him too much."  
  
  
  


"Is he sick? Did something happen? Oh god, did he get hurt?" Daehwi babbles on with questions about Jinyoung and stops when he realizes he was being a bit rude by pressuring answers from Daniel. "I'm sorry, I'm just very worried that he didn't go to school and he seemed fine yesterday too."  
  
  
  


"Wait, to ease your worries, I'll give you this," Daniel takes a pen from his pocket and tears a page from his notebook to write down something. "If you're really worried then you can ask him yourself, alright?" He hands the piece of paper to Daehwi who flashes him with an awestruck smile and wide eyes.  
  
  
  


"Thank you," Daehwi said bowing at a 90 degree angle to show his gratitude to Daniel. He was ever so lucky to bump into him today because if he didn't then he would have to wait the entire weekend before communicating with Jinyoung again.  
  
  
  


"No problem, but I have a favor to ask of you. Is that alright?"  
  
  
  


"Sure, I'm open to helping out. What do you need me to do?"  
  
  
  


"Please take care of Jinyoung, he really needs it." An expression on Daniel's face confused Daehwi because he didn't understand whether he was pained and forcing a smile or being genuinely supportive and trusting of him. Either way he accepted the favor without any delay.  
  
  
  
  
  


The silence of the room was quite deafening and somewhat suffocating for Jinyoung. He woke up with a slight headache and opening his eyes made him wince in pain. His throat felt dry so groaning in pain wouldn't really help him because that would hurt even more. He doesn't recall much from last night, only the memory of crying his heart out was embedded in his memory.  
  
  


His small table in the middle of the room had a lunch box on it with a note scribbled down on a single piece of pink post it. The looked inside the lunch box and it was basically a complete meal, something he hasn't had in a while since he mostly ate instant ramyeon or something he heats up at the convenience store. He sort of felt a bit better by the sight of it.  
  
  


_Eat up, rest well and don't overdo it. I'll come by later to check on you again, alright? Get some fresh air once you wake up. -Daniel_   
  
  


Last night he recalls that he dialed Daniel, one of the only few people on his contact list, and he sobbed on Daniel. He was sort of embarrassed since Daniel had to witness one of his scenes again, nonetheless he is grateful to have someone he can rely on when no one is there for him.  
  
  


It was already 11 in the morning when he woke up so he literally had no plans of showing up for school so he decides to do what Daniel advises him, go out to get some fresh air. Maybe he needs to clear his mind, maybe he needs space from everyone. He wasn't thinking straight lately. He wasn't feeling well emotionally and he knew why, he just doesn't want to accept it.  
  
  


The lunch box was good, it felt warm and it felt like it was packed with a lot of love. All of a sudden he wishes that his mom would be more like Daniel's, but of course he knew he couldn't just ask for something impossible.  _Maybe she's like that to her new family_ , he thought as he finishes the last piece of meat in the lunch box.  
  
  


Before leaving, he washed the lunch box and made sure to knock at Daniel's apartment and greet his mother. When he did so, he received a hug and an invitation to dinner tonight which he gladly accepted out of gratitude and mostly because he wants to feel like he's part of a family. To feel like someone actually wants him to be around and his existence wasn't a disturbance.  
  
  


On afternoons like this, the city wasn't so loud and busy because everyone was either at school, work or spending time lunch with their loved ones. For some reason, he wished for the last situation to happen to him but sadly he lacked the most important aspect:  _loved ones_. His family was completely torn apart and restoring it would be difficult. He didn't want to put together something that doesn't fit anymore, something that can't ever co-exist, his family and his happiness.  
  
  


A numbing sensation fills him, a feeling he has greatly missed because lately all he has been feeling is warmth. The sensation had became quite unfamiliar to him but it felt good because he didn't have to feel anything for a while. All he had to do was breathe and watch the scenery.  
  
  


Having a day away from school was a bliss, especially because of the load of work they were being given since examinations were coming their way. For a while he thought about how he would catch up because he's missing a day of class, but brushed it off because his head still hurts and he just wants to be absent-minded for a while. He also thought about whether anyone cared that he wasn't around that day, more importantly he wondered more about whether Daehwi noticed that he wasn't around.  
  
  


Love doesn't cross his mind when he thinks of Daehwi but instead a mess of emotions comes to hit him, hard enough to knock air out of him. He has never felt this kind of intensity before which scares him to the point that he might end up skipping school again next week because he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. As much as overthinking was something he usually did, he just thought about how nice his lunch was and that dinner will be even better.  
  
  


The bench he sat on was the same old bench that comforts him when he needs to think, especially when he couldn't find the answer to questions he never thought about. It was also one of the places that intrigued him, and that was because of the reply he always waited for recently. He wrote on the bench yesterday so maybe his new distant acquaintance hasn't replied yet. He was shocked when he noticed that the vandal replied to him.  
  
  


_you must be a good writer then :) who do you write for?_   
  
  


Other than being happy with the reply, he felt a surge of paranoia pass through him. It isn't an out of context question but Jinyoung found it very uncomfortable but ignoring the message would just conote a sense of cowardice. He hasn't opened up about what or, more appropriately,  _who_  he writes about because he was afraid of many things but mainly letting Daehwi find out. If he bottled it up though then it might backfire on him, and just by thinking about it that way scares him.  
  
  


_someone special but that person doesn't know, sadly :(_   
  
  


His reply wasn't deep enough to read into, he thought, so it satisfied him. It's okay if one person knows, right? There's no harm on giving a vague answer, especially if the person asking him is a total stranger and highly someone he is unfamiliar with and vice versa.   
  
  


After bottling all of that for a long time, he was finally able to admit it. What he wrote weekly on the school newspaper is about someone who is special to him and although he did not reveal that person's name, it is satisfactory for him because at least one person out there knows. Maybe one day he will be able to admit it to Daehwi, but for now he is satisfied with just hiding everything as if his feeling were nonexistent.  
  
  


_Am I really okay with this?_   
  
  
  
  
  


**_to: bae jinyoung_** ❤️

**_hello? jinyoung-ah are you ok? :(_ ** _(5:48 PM)_

**_i hope you're alright, i'm actually really worried._ **

**_if you see this message please reply soon :(_ ** _(6:01 PM)_   
  
  


For the rest of the day Jinyoung has left his phone on airplane mode and did not bother checking if someone has been trying to contact him. No one ever contacts him so he did not feel any urge to check. How could he though? His mother doesn't even check up on him, neither does his dad.   
  
  


Jinyoung only had a few people on his contacts. It only consists of: Daniel, Daniel's mother, his parents, the few members of the newspaper club and the number of a few of his old classmates. None of them text him unless they need something from him, except Daniel and his mother who takes care of him. Which reminds him that he has dinner with them in a while so he leaves his phone behind on his desk and gets ready.  
  
  
  
  
  


"How was your day?" Daniel asks Jinyoung as he was cutting up the meat on his plate.  
  
  


"Very refreshing," Jinyoung answers with a weak voice. It was hard for him to talk about his day because he only did three things today which are: waking up, eating lunch and going to the park. The fourth thing he did today is what he is currently doing, eating dinner with people who treated him like actual family.  
  
  


Dinner wasn't anything expensive or flashy, but it made him feel like he was back in his home from when he was a little boy, back when his family was still functioning okay. He was happy that he was invited over for dinner because he has been yearning for a homemade meal for a while now and instant ramen wasn't cutting it anymore. Artificial and instant food are pale when compared to a mother's cooking. It didn't have that warmth that food cooked by mother's had. Maybe because it didn't have the love that mother's put into their meals.   
  
  


Love is synonymous to the feeling of warmth. He knows very well how warmth feels and how big of an effect it has. But for tonight he did not want to think about his source of warmth, he did not want to think about Daehwi.  
  
  


"Jinyoung-ah, eat your vegetables," Daniel reminds as he places more and more kimchi and other side dishes on Jinyoung's bowl of rice. That made Jinyoung smile, he regains a bit of strength so he does what he is told. Jinyoung wasn't the only one who felt relieved, but also Daniel's mother who watched the two satisfied with dinner and enjoy each other's company.  
  
  


The silence that fills the apartment wasn't cold or numbing, it was warm and it didn't leave you with a feeling of loneliness. When no one talks only the sound of utensils with porcelain bowls clashing was enough to communicate that dinner was good. It has been a while since Jinyoung ate something like this, the exception is Daehwi's kimbap from a convenience store but that wasn't homemade, so you can really see him have more servings that he usually had therefore the sound was mostly heard from his side of the dining table.  
  
  


"Oh," Jinyoung suddenly spoke up, getting the attention of the two with him. He brings out the lunch box that he washed earlier to return it to them. "Thank you for the meal earlier, I'm really grateful that you thought about me," he hands it over to Daniel's mother he smiles widely at Jinyoung who had his head tilted downwards.  
  
  


"You're like family to us, this isn't anything out of the ordinary. If you'd like you can always come over for a meal or two," she says to him with assurance. He looks up at her and he could feel tears forming again but it wasn't tears of sadness, they just projected how happy he was. How he was that someone cared about him, receiving love from a mother figure felt comparable to his own mother's love.   
  
  


"Thank you," he says finally letting the tears slide down on his cheek and onto the wooden dinner table. Daniel and his mom just looked at each other feeling relieved that they were able to reach out more to him.  
  
  


_Family doesn't have to be narrowed down to those you were born to._   
  
  
  
  
  


Over the course of the weekend Jinyoung was able to catch up to the things he missed on the day of his absence. It wasn't much, just an essay and two projects which he was able to complete without interruption. He was grateful that Daniel had asked other first years in the club about homework and what happened during that day. Luckily one of them had a friend from 1-A who helped out with notes that he missed out on. Nothing was hard for Jinyoung but he wasn't ready to go to school yet. He wasn't ready to see Daehwi mainly because when he turned off airplane mode on his phone he received more than 10 messages from an unknown number who introduced himself as Daehwi. More than half of those messages consisted of Daehwi wishing he was alright and the rest were a mix of Daehwi complaining about being ignored and wondering if he was texting a stranger, though he continued texting the number anyway.  
  
  


He was glad that someone worried about him, and he was ecstatic that the someone was Daehwi. Well...maybe he wasn't completely glad and he wasn't fully ecstatic at the thought of it. Remembering the events last Friday night at 3 in the morning made his stomach churn, as if something was still out of place. All he knows is that whenever he looks back at that night is that he thinks of Daehwi.  
  
  
  
  
  


Monday morning was colder than usual since winter was nearing and because he felt quite like his old self again. He sat on his seat and only a few people looked at him before directing their attention back to where it was. No one really bothered asking him where he was, but didn't bother Jinyoung.  
  
  


On usual mornings he would read in advance poems from his literature class but today he felt like roaming around school. He walked around the halls not paying much attention to the people but instead paying attention to the view of the school field and the grey sky.   
  
  


After walking around for a while he passed the classrooms and there weren't students on that wing of the school. No one was around that early since class hasn't started and most of them just stayed in their classrooms. It was quiet only until Jinyoung found himself a few meters away from the music room where he could hear the piano being played. He stood there and let the sound of music take him far away. It wasn't a song that he knew or often heard on the radio but it was beautiful and calming.   
  
  


Step by step he got a little bit closer to the music room as if his feet carried him on their own. He wasn't thinking, just listening to the beautiful melody. His eyes were closed but the music played and he could see vibrant colors, not the usual darkness people see when their eyes are closed. He doesn't want the sound to disappear, he wants to keep hearing the music so whoever was playing, he was mentally begging them to continue.  
  
  


Before he knew it he was already at the door of the music room. He opened his eyes to see something unexpected but his heart suddenly started racing and he couldn't hold back his feelings. No, he did not speak because he was absolutely speechless. As he has always been, he quietly watched from the safe distance he is at right now.   
  
  


Daehwi's fingers pressed the keys every so gracefully and everything around him looked so bright. His hands moved with a flow, never disrupted and distracted by his surroundings. In contrast to the gloomy sky, Daehwi lit up the music room with his own aura and melodical playing. A picturesque scene that Jinyoung wishes he could capture on camera but he knew that he was the only one could see this and a photograph would not suffice nor give justice to what he is witnessing. This image will be imprinted his memories for a while and he ever so dearly wished that it would not fade.   
  
  


There were so many adjectives that could describe the moment but Jinyoung did not wish to use any because they weren't enough for him. He stayed back and watched as his heart beats along with the music. Something inside him started to flare but it didn't hurt, it was a warm and gentle flame. It was slowly going to engulf him but he did not plan to resist, he did not have a desire to look away anymore. He is slowly accepting everything, slowly realizing things he did not want to, but has to.  
  
  


When Daehwi stopped playing, Jinyoung snapped back to reality and turned his back before running away. He wasn't running away from Daehwi, he just didn't want to be seen in this state. If he stayed for a second longer then he would have embarrassed himself and his feelings might explode everywhere. It wasn't the right time for these realizations, heck it was only 6:45 in the morning.  
  
  


For the rest of the day they did not see each other.  
  
  
  
  
  


Still full of mixed emotions, Jinyoung walks into the club room with a flustered expression on him. He did not greet anyone as usual but it was very noticeable that his ears were still red and his cheeks a bit flushed. No one spoke up because they still questioned whether they were close enough with him so they just ignored and continued working on their own articles or tasks. Unlike everyone, Daniel stood up and approached Jinyoung at his table.  
  
  


"Yah, this is an unusual sight," he chuckles as he places a hand on the boy's shoulder who flinches.  
  
  


"What do you mean?" Jinyoung asks as he turns his head to lock eyes with Daniel. That made it worse because Daniel saw how flushes his cheeks were.  
  
  


Daniel grinned at the appearance of his friend. It was very unusual indeed but it made him laugh instead of worry. "You just walked into the club room, on a Monday when you usually come over a day or two before your deadline. And another unusual feat is well...you're basically rosy, you're showing emotion today."  
  
  


Jinyoung just looks down, even more embarrassed than earlier. He just sets up his laptop as Daniel waits for his answer. Of course he caved in because having someone watch him was uncomfortable. "Isn't it a good thing though? Well, a good thing for you I mean?"  
  
  


He was taken aback by the response of his dongsaeng but he thought about it for a brief moment before suddenly laughing out loud. Everyone gave Daniel a weird look so he apologized for the excessively loud laughter before looking back down at Jinyoung.  
  
  


"Well you do have a point," he says before walking back to his seat. Jinyoung beat him at that exchange of words so he just smiled.  
  
  


"Can I have the question for this week's feature?"   
  
  


"Yeah sure, I'll send it to your email," Daniel answered but furrowed his eyebrows at Jinyoung. He was being diligent,  _too diligent_ for his liking but he was glad that maybe he didn't have to stay up late for this week's newspaper.  
  
  


Jinyoung wasn't trying to be diligent for a change, he just wanted to distract himself because he was really zoning out today. The weight of his feelings were extra heavy today which made it hard for him to breathe. He thought that if he could do his feature today then he could take his mind off of things or vent out his feelings. And other than that, he felt inspired to write more today because he has so much to say.   
  
  


The email Daniel sent him had the question attached as well as a short message from his hyung. The short message made him stare daggers at his editor who just chuckles in his seat without looking Jinyoung.  
  
  


_You look like a cherry tomato because of how red you're looking from here xD. I hope you tell me what's up soon!_   
  
  


He did not deny that he's still probably red at the moment but he wasn't so keen on telling anyone why he was so red at the moment. If he told Daniel, he was sure that he'd be constantly teased for it and Daniel might try to pry even deeper which is too big of a risk for him to take. He is not ready for that yet.   
  
  


The question for this week's feature is:  _What's the most beautiful scene you've ever witnessed?_  
  
  


Up until this time, he wonders why the questions have been so timely to the things that happened to him. It was beginning to be sort of weird but he did not want to sound paranoid. Well it gives him an upper hand at least since he has a lot to write, making his job easier than it actually is.   
  
  


A perfect opportunity to vent out how he feels.  
  
  


_Common answers for people would be such scenery that they see everyday, especially when they are alone. The sunset is beautiful, the sky is beautiful, and everything else visible that connotes beauty and enchants its viewers. I, for one, do not see beauty in those things. Yes, at times they take my breath away and I am bewildered by the mysterious forces in this world but I have seen far greater beauty than that of nature or created by man._

_I am not enchanted by things I see because I see no color nor vibrancy when you are far from me. Sunsets are only beautiful when you are there enjoying it with me or far from me yet I can see you. I see beauty in the many things you find beautiful but if I were to narrow it down to only a few things then it would not do you any justice._

_In the midst of a grey and gloomy day, you lit up a room that was empty and silent. As always, I watched you from a far and you did not see me. The sight of you made everything bright and pure as if white strips of light surround you. A moment that I will recall for a long time, is a moment where you enjoyed yourself and were at peace. Oh how you made my heart beat yet calmed my soul from all its troubles, almost making it forget that we were so distant and could never be._

_I want to bear witness to another moment like that. I want to see you once more without anyone else around you, only me who will watch you from a far. My greed should not seep through the cracks of my flaws because if I had my way, I would want you to repeat that moment where it was just you and I. I would want you to play for me and no one else. Let me, only me bear witness to those moments._

_How can I forget? The simplest scene yet deserves recognition for its beauty. Your smile is a scene I get to witness a lot from a far, and even though it is not a perfect view, I still get to see you. The same white light that you radiate is ever so evident. If from a distance your beauty is admirable, what if I were so close to you? I would be able to admire your features, from your eye lids to your pink lips. I am not an artist but I would want to illustrate everything, and even though my drawing would be a disaster I would still see you._

_As cliche as it sounds, you are beauty and grace itself._

_Scenes so pure and that is why on those days you painted white on the canvas that is me. The tears that tainted your artwork was no longer a mess but became part of the masterpiece. I thought I had ruined it all but you made due and continued your art. I wish to see more colors and I wish that only you will by artist._

_I have said before that I do not love you, but, as I am writing this, I can feel my heart beat and it is calling out for you. How strange is that?_


	6. Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The outcome of realization can be the birth of regret and pain, and maybe pain was given birth to like how the first snowflake had fallen that evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the positive feedback about my fic ❤️ I hope you also enjoy my update 

Four days after having an epiphany when he saw Daehwi in the music room, Jinyoung still hasn't made up his mind yet and continues to ignore Daehwi. He knows that he has feelings far greater than admiration but he cannot come to terms on whether it is what he fears or he just caught up in the moment. It hurts his head to think about it so he spent one period in the clinic.

  
The period he skipped that day was Chemistry and he was sure that he could catch up to the lesson even if he spends a period away. Besides, after it was lunch break so it was more convenient so no one, especially Daehwi would be able to find him...or so he thought as he laid down on the bed.

  
The sliding door of the clinic opened with a loud bang at the end which woke Jinyoung from his nap. Since his head was aching he was not in the mood to be woken up before lunch time ended, because it has barely started. He sat right up, opened part of the curtain to peek at who entered the clinic. His heart began to beat faster and he suddenly felt flustered.

  
"Is anyone here?" Daehwi asked, but Jinyoung did not say anything because he was too busy covering his mouth, with the fear of saying something out of context.

  
Sound of footsteps coming from where Daehwi was became more evident as the boy got closer to the curtains that hid Jinyoung. Knowing about his pending doom, he sucked it up and tried thinking of coherent things to say to Daehwi. Hopefully the brief moment given to him will be enough to save him.

  
The curtains were opened thus revealing a Bae Jinyoung sitting at the edge of the bed, back facing Daehwi. It was quiet for the first few seconds but Daehwi opened the curtains all the way and went to the other side of the bed where Jinyoung sat.

  
"Yah!" Daehwi exclaims has he looks at Jinyoung. He was still being ignored so he saw it as the opportunity to speak his mind. "You've been going to school for days now, you've been ignoring my messages and you've been hiding from me! You do know that I was worried that you might have broken a leg or something, right? So why didn't you tell me first thing on Monday? Were you planning to let this week end without telling me anything?" He was upset by Jinyoung's ability to be insensitive. He just pouted and waited until Jinyoung spoke.

  
"Well...I don't know?" Jinyoung said as he looked up at Daehwi. Gosh, he's showing that face. He thought to himself so he decided to stand up. Only a meter was between them now which made him feel really pressured.

  
"You're really terrible," Daehwi says softly as he crosses his arms. He thought Jinyoung would tell him since they were friends, but maybe it was a one-sided thing. "You don't consider me as your friend, do you?"

  
Jinyoung didn't talk for a while because he was thinking about what Daehwi said. Considering Daehwi as a friend has never popped into his thoughts before because he never thought about what relationship bound him and Daehwi. At first there was literally nothing, just him admiring from a safe distance but now Daehwi sees him as a friend. It was sort of bittersweet for him to hear that Daehwi saw them as friends. Sweet because it is something he has never dreamed of happening because they were so different from each other. On the other hand, it is bitter because he does not know if this will merit anything good and his fear might come true if he lets this continue.

  
Of course being the reckless person he is, he let's it continue without considering how this will backfire for him.

  
"I do, but I don't know what to say," he sighs as he scratches the back of his head. He really wasn't good with words, or any form of communication, that's why he chose to write articles under a pen name because at least there no one can judge him.

  
Due to his lack of words, he pulled Daehwi towards him and just hugged him. At that moment he instantly feels the warmth coming from Daehwi and little did he know that he would regret it the next day. He was reckless so he let his impulse act on its own. Something that he has never done to anyone, not even Daniel that he has known for years, is to hug them yet he is able to do it to someone he barely knows and has feelings for. This situation just spells trouble but Jinyoung chose to ignore it.

  
His hug had many meanings but at that moment what he wanted to get across to Daehwi is I'm sorry. Something so difficult to say but Jinyoung dared to venture into expressing it through actions, a firm believer in the saying actions speak louder than words. He wishes that Daehwi does not misinterpret it because it wasn't the right time for that, not just yet.

  
After a few minutes, Daehwi pushed away Jinyoung and looked up at him. He had a pout on his face as he looked at Jinyoung who was still in shock because of what he did. It was just a stare off between the two of them. Jinyoung had to look down a bit to meet eyes with Daehwi because there was a height difference between the two of them, which Jinyoung adored. Three minutes later, Jinyoung laughed and finally gave in, thus losing the stare off.

  
"You owe a strawberry milk now," Daehwi says as he walks over to the nurse's desk. Jinyoung follows shortly with a smile on his face. "Hurry up! Lunch is going to end!"

  
"We'll get your strawberry milk, don't worry Daehwi-ah," Jinyoung says to calm down Daehwi who was in such a rush. For a second Daehwi was taken aback when Jinyoung added a suffix to his name, but he didn't complain because at least he and Jinyoung were okay now.

  
"You better get me one Bae Jinyoung!"

 

 

The feature for this week's newspaper was already submitted two days ago so Jinyoung had no other plans for the day. He had nothing else to do which upset him since he is so used to being preoccupied, well mostly cramming his features that is. He stood in front of his shoe locker, thinking about what else he could do for the rest of the day.

  
Friday was usually a day when high school students hung out and had fun but Jinyoung lacked the social skills to even make friends. It was either he was busy with writing his article or he spent his day alone at the park and then studying. He wished that someone would invite him to spend time with them but he was sure that will just remain a fantasy and that wishing for it just might bring the opposite which saddened him.

  
After a while he got tired of groups of friends passing by him so he just shut his locker and put on his shoes. Staying for a longer time will just ruin his mood after having a good afternoon.

  
He was at the school gate when all of a sudden he could hear a familiar voice calling out to him. When he looks behind him he sees Daehwi running towards him, frantically trying to catch up to him. He stopped walking and waited for Daehwi, who gradually slowed down because he was getting tired.

  
"Jinyoung-ah! Wait for me," Daehwi huffs as he finally arrived by Jinyoung's side. He crouched down, hands on his knees, and trying to catch his breath.

  
Jinyoung offered his handkerchief to Daehwi, who gladly accepted so he could wipe his sweat. Watching Daehwi made Jinyoung laugh, making him feel a lot better since he was in a gloomy mood earlier.

  
"Why were you running?" Jinyoung asks as Daehwi finally stands up straight and looks at him.

  
"I wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out with me today," Daehwi laughs when he told Jinyoung his intention. The boy in front of him was clearly ecstatic at the thought of someone wanting to hang out with him, on a Friday. "Since we just became friends, I want to get to know more about you!"

  
"I'd actually like that," Jinyoung answers without any hesitation. As soon as those words came out Daehwi's eyes lit up with excitement because Jinyoung didn't hold back anymore.

  
Just like before, Daehwi got hold of Jinyoung's wrist and they started to walk fast, away from school. The cool autumn breeze hitting them but it didn't make either of them shiver because the company they gave each other made even the coldest weather feel like spring.

  
On the way to Daehwi's house they stopped by a food truck by the station. Being a usual customer, Daehwi recommended the crepes there so they just ordered the same thing. They sat at the bus stop while they ate their crepes as they waited for the next bus to arrive.

  
"Well...is it good?" Daehwi asks Jinyoung as he watches him closely while eating the crepe.

  
Jinyoung shows an upset expression after swallowing his first bite of the crepe, making Daehwi pout. He couldn't help but laugh, "it's good, thanks for recommending it to me."

  
Daehwi hit Jinyoung's shoulder lightly because of his expression but was contented that someone else, other than him, enjoys his favorite crepe.

  
"That's great! You're like the only person who enjoys these crepes other than me," he admits to Jinyoung but he wasn't looking at him, instead Jinyoung was the one intently looking at him.

  
There was a moment of silence between them after that. Both of them finish their crepes before the bus arrives. They both chose to sit at the back , only because it was on a higher platform compared to the other seats. There weren't many people on the bus with them, an old lady and a few students like them. It wasn't that noisy either so it was hard to strike a conversation without disrupting the very silence that surrounds them.

  
"Daehwi-ah," Jinyoung whispers to the boy beside him. Daehwi hums in reply, signaling him to continue what is saying. "Did you want to sit at the back so you'd look taller than you actually are?" Jinyoung laughs at his own joke and resumes his rightful sitting position.

  
"Says you, you also wear insoles," Daehwi argues as he sticks his tongue out. Height was a sensitive topic between the two of them so the fight has just started.

  
"They're only two centimeters!"

  
"Yeah, maybe if you squeeze them. They're three centimeters, don't lie Jinyoung-ssi."

  
Their argument went on and on, the other passengers just dismissed their banter by putting on earphones. The old lady just smile at the two and proceeded to nap afterwards, so technically no one was bothered by them.

  
From insoles to hair color, they argued but they enjoyed it. No one got mad and no one was hurt, everything was playful. Jinyoung was laughing really loudly, something rare and Daehwi was there to hear it. After the explosive laughter, Jinyoung felt embarrassed to the point his ears turned red and he looked down once again.

  
"You're so adorable Jinyoung-ssi!" Daehwi laughs as he repeatedly pats him on the back. His statement just now did not really help Jinyoung because it only made him feel flustered inside.

  
Who wouldn't feel like their heart is about to come out of their chest when the person they have feelings for calls them adorable?

  
"Says you, your entire being is cute," Jinyoung whispers weakly. He hopes that Daehwi didn't hear him because if he did then he will be exposed. It wasn't time for Daehwi to find out yet, he doesn't think the time, when he is ready to tell him, will ever come.

  
"What did you say? I couldn't hear you."

  
"I said are we there yet?"

 

 

Once they got off the bus they walked for a little while. Daehwi would occasionally greet people from his neighborhood so Jinyoung just imitated the act for Daehwi's sake. There was a time when they stopped walking because Daehwi wanted to pet the kitten that hid in the bush.

  
"Jinyoung-ah! Look at the cute kitty," Daehwi says while he was crouched down, trying to play with the kitten. Jinyoung didn't like cats so he didn't know how to act in that situation. "Come on and look!"

  
The now crouching down Bae Jinyoung tries to pet the kitten's head but the kitten walks away from him and stayed in between Daehwi's legs. Daehwi giggled because of how the kitten moved away from Jinyoung even before he made contact with it. As long as Daehwi was happy Jinyoung didn't mind if another hundred kittens rejected him.

  
"He seems to like you a lot," Jinyoung remarks as he watches the kitten rub is body around Daehwi's legs.

  
"If only I could bring him home though," Daehwi sighs when he realizes that he has to leave the kitten soon. "He'd be pretty lonely if he stayed with me."

  
No response came from Jinyoung because he didn't know what to say. It saddened him to hear that from Daehwi who is usually really happy and bright. But he didn't want him sad so he tried the only thing he could do to cheer up the boy.

  
"Daehwi-ah," he calls out and Daehwi looks at him. He reaches out to pinch Daehwi's cheeks and raises them, to form a smile on his face. His cheeks are so warm and soft, he thinks to himself. "Jinyoung-ssi will be sad if you're sad, so smile for me please?" He said with a higher pitched voice than usual.

  
It was a cheesy and very cringe-worthy effort but it worked. Daehwi started to laugh at what Jinyoung did to him but he was thankful to him. There were only a few people who made an effort to cheer him up because he was usually the one that cheered people up, that is why Bae Jinyoung earned a special achievement that day.

  
"Talking in the third person point of view doesn't suit you," Daehwi giggles as they stand up. The kitten ran back into the bush, reuniting with its family.

  
"I know, I just didn't like seeing you sad."

 

 

Daehwi's house wasn't big but it could fit a family that consists of 5 people, and to Jinyoung's shock he found out that Daehwi lives alone. It didn't look fancy on the outside but the interior was modern enough. It reminded him of houses in the states which he saw on television. Being the kindhearted person Daehwi is, it never showed that he lived a nice life without worrying about money.

  
"I know you're wondering why I'm living alone and just won't ask me because you don't want me upset," Daehwi says as they took off their shoes at the door and walked inside. He was right though so Jinyoung just kept quiet. "It's sort of a long story and I'm more worried about you feeling sad because of it."

  
"I'll listen, if you want me to."

  
"But first, let's get dinner because I'm really hungry."

  
While Daehwi was on the phone ordering fried chicken, Jinyoung walked around the first floor and taking in every single detail of the house. The kitchen was clean as if no one really used it except for the microwave and a few pans. Moving on to the dining room, he ran his hands on the table which upset him because his hand was covered with dust. Not that it bothered him that his hand was covered with dust, he was upset by the fact that the table is here but only to collect dust. Probably hasn't been used for years now, making it more evident that Daehwi lived alone. When he got back to the living room, Daehwi was still on the phone so he continued looking around.

  
Unlike most households he's been too, well seen on dramas, this house didn't have many family photos hung up on the wall. Only two photos were hung up, both of which are Daehwi with a woman, presumably his mother. No pictures of him with his father, which woke the curiosity within Jinyoung. Maybe Daehwi will open up about it, he thought to himself.

  
"So, did you enjoy looking around?" Daehwi chuckles as he follows Jinyoung who didn't notice that he was finished with the call.

  
"I-I'm sorry for snooping around," Jinyoung says apologetically but Daehwi just smiles at how innocent he asks towards him. "Your house is really nice though," he comments as he raises his head to get a proper look at Daehwi.

  
"People say that a lot but it's not really much," he replies to the embarrassed boy in front of him. It was getting quiet again which makes Daehwi unhappy so he tries once again to liven up the mood. "Want to play video games while waiting?"

  
"I don't have any experience with playing though."

  
"It's alright, at least I know I'll win," Daehwi grins to tease Jinyoung who just laughs at his expression.

  
"I'm not going easy on you though," Jinyoung boldy replies as they head towards the couch.

  
Daehwi heads over to the television and sets up the console. Since Jinyoung was new to the whole gaming concept, Daehwi chose an easy game for them to play: Mario Kart. Hopefully both of them will enjoy but Daehwi secretly wishes for Jinyoung to lose at least 1 game to satisfy his little ego.

  
The sat beside each other on the couch as they played the game. Jinyoung wasn't familiar with the characters so he just stuck with Mario, while Daehwi chose princess Peach. On the first round Daehwi won without much of a struggle from Jinyoung because he always fell for the traps set by the cheeky boy beside him. For the next few rounds Daehwi kept accumulating wins but Jinyoung, slowly but surely, got the hang of the game and once got Daehwi to slip on one of his banana peels.

  
Their delivery still hasn't come yet so they just continued playing, this time they chose different characters and tried different maps. Daehwi ended up laying on the couch with his feet on top of Jinyoung's lap. Only Jinyoung felt extra warm in that moment because of how he and Daehwi made contact. But in that round, Jinyoung lost because he couldn't concentrate.

  
"You alright there Jinyoungie?" Daehwi asks as he was setting up the next round, this would be the 12th round they played.

  
"I-I'm alright," he squeaks in reply. He feels a lump in his throat, making it difficult to speak without stuttering.

  
"Well,-" Daehwi was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. He had to remove his feet from Jinyoung's lap and greet the delivery man who took his sweet time delivering the food.

  
When Daehwi stood up he probably didn't notice the slight disappointment on Jinyoung's face. Deep down he really wanted to tell Daehwi to stay where he was at, but he can't and chooses not to because that would ruin their almost platonic friendship. His eyes just follows Daehwi, and not for a moment did he look away.

  
I'm so sorry for feeling this way, he says to himself. As much as he wants to put a label on his feelings, he still wasn't ready to accept it because accepting it would cause an endless ripple to pain for him. Just like what his classmate said a few weeks ago, it is an unrequited love.

  
"Jinyoung-ah!" Daehwi calls out once he has shut the door, and because of it Jinyoung snaps back to reality. "Help me carry these," he whines because of the many things he had to carry.

  
"Sorry," Jinyoung answers meekly as he stood up and took the boxes from Daehwi's arms and placed it on the living room table as instructed. "You sure you don't want to eat on the dining table?"

  
"Nah, no one sits there and I want to sit beside you," Daehwi tells, a stunned, Jinyoung with a smile. If Daehwi had the ears of a dog then he could probably hear the loud thumping coming from Jinyoung's heart at that moment.

  
They opened up the box of fried chicken first, letting the aroma fill the room and make their stomach grumble. Daehwi stood up and went to the kitchen first to get plates and cups because he forgot to bring them out earlier. Jinyoung already took a piece and was eating by the time Daehwi got back. He couldn't hold back his laughter at the sight of the boy munching down on his chicken, and good thing the lights weren't that bright because Jinyoung couldn't hide his embarrassment.

  
It was silent only because they were both hungry and had their mouths stuffed with food. Out of courtesy, Jinyoung poured soda into their cups and handing it over to Daehwi who looks like he was about to choke on the food if not handed a drink.

  
Daehwi drank a lot, downing half of the soda in his cup before laughing. "Thanks, I thought I would be a goner," he joked.

  
"I'd be lonely if you were gone," Jinyoung jokes back, a joke half-meant. If he said it seriously then it would be awkward and he'd probably leave the moment he senses Daehwi taking it to heart; luckily he was just going with the flow and dodged a bullet. "I mean who'd pester me during lunch and remind me to eat?"

  
A pout formed on Daehwi's lips with Jinyoung's apparent joke, making the other boy laugh. "Ha ha ha, you'd probably miss me."

  
Fuck what do I say? Jinyoung thought to himself in panic because he honestly didn't know what to say. Is it half-meant? What does he mean? Questions as such roam around in his thought, making it more difficult to form a coherent thought.

  
"Oh yeah, you still up for hearing my story?" Daehwi changes the topic, and to Jinyoung's dismay he was saved.

  
"Yeah, you can start off at any point as long as you're comfortable," Jinyoung says, giving way to Daehwi backstory.

  
Everyone has their own backstory and each one is equally important. Even if their story isn't as tragic or saddening as the others, their will always be pain or suffering in each. No story should be left untold because somewhere out there, someone would be willing to listen. And at this very moment, Bae Jinyoung was solely interested in Lee Daehwi's. He wanted to know the boy's happy moments, his saddest moments, how, where, with whom did he grow up, his favorite show as a kid and at present, his birthdays, and literally just everything. He's remember it all because that was how much Daehwi intrigued him.

  
"I hope I don't bore you-"

  
"I'm all ears."

  
Assurance that someone will be willing to listen is what Jinyoung gave to Daehwi. Something untouchable yet something more valuable than any extravagant gift. Daehwi was thankful and he showed that through his smile.

  
"Well, as you can see, I live alone in this house. No, my parents aren't divorced it's just that..." Daehwi began to falter because of the sad memory he has. Once again, trying to reassure him, Jinyoung rubs his hand behind the boy's back and urged him to continue. "It's just that my father well...had to cut his time with us short. He was a great father, don't get me wrong, but it saddens me to know that he's not around anymore and I can only wish that he's proud to have a son like me."

  
It hurt, the sight of seeing Daehwi holding back his tears hurt Jinyoung more than he thought. But what came after hurt even more, the sight of Daehwi still smiling even though he was going to explode because of the tears.

  
"Do you want to stop?" Jinyoung asks because even he was going to burst into tears if he has to witness Daehwi cry. He felt a bit guilty because he urged Daehwi to continue, but his curiosity still led him on.

  
"I'll keep going," Daehwi replies as he recomposes himself. "Of course my mother had it worse, because having your husband die just after a few years of marriage and leaving her with the responsibility of raising a child is difficult. Well, because of the sad memories she decided to bring both of us abroad and live there. You know why I speak English fluently? It's because growing up in America really changed a lot of things about me. People there were nice but nothing compared to living in your homeland."

  
"Where's your mother now?"

  
Daehwi put his pointer finger in Jinyoung's lips, telling him to be quiet and just laughed afterwards. The simple act made his heart beat even faster though, luckily Daehwi was busy telling his story to notice.

  
"She's still there, I don't think she's ready to come back home yet and I also think it's because the pay there is better. I miss my mother a lot, we used to always go out and get dinner together but after my dad's passing she just preoccupied herself with work and became too busy for me. So two years ago I decided to move back home after our house got renovated. It wasn't hard for me to adjust to Korea because I was able to meet good friends and I felt like I could have a new beginning, letting go of the past you know? But I still feel empty, I still feel like something is missing. Something isn't right yet, and it's so strange that I don't know what it is yet."

  
"Do you need help figuring that out?"

  
"Honestly, I don't even know how I am able to open up to you easily. I mean, I've been able to talk about family to other people but I never talked about my inner struggles." Daehwi looked a little uneasy, he wasn't even looking Jinyoung in the eyes but instead his was just fiddling with his fingers.

  
He's able to open up to me easily, just the thought of it made him happy. The ever so bright Lee Daehwi has shown his vulnerability to him, something that no one has ever seen. Please let me be the only one to see this side of you, he wishes to say to Daehwi but he's aware that it's not possible.

  
"I'd listen to everything you want to say, if you need me to," there was no hesitation in Jinyoung's words this time because he really meant it. He wanted Daehwi to have someone that will be there for him, someone that will be there late at night eating take out with him and talking about how the universe works. He wanted to be that person.

  
They continued to talk, but every topic mostly led to Daehwi talking about himself. He wasn't shy about talking revealing many things that he has never told anyone, as long as Jinyoung was the one listening to him, he felt secure. Jinyoung, of course, was mesmerized by how Daehwi's eyes shined so bright even with the dim lights and he projects his voice with every word he says. Even though he was totally captivated with the sight of Daehwi, he listened very eagerly.

  
Everything Daehwi said that night was saved in Jinyoung's thoughts, he made sure to keep a mental note so he'd know Daehwi from the back of his hand. He likes going to dog cafes, likes his coffee with more cream, likes watching cartoons when he's sad, likes shopping for others, likes comfortable sweaters rather than fit shirts, likes puss in the boots flavor in Baskin' Robbins, likes the duck character on Kakao Talk, and so many more. All his thoughts were shrouded by Daehwi, and all his worries faded in that moment when they were together.

  
They played rock paper scissors to decide who will get the last piece of fried chicken but after a while they just decided to share it. Both of them got up and cleaned the minimal mess they made but Daehwi didn't like cleaning so Jinyoung washed the plates while he chose the movie they were going to watch.

  
"Jinyoung-ah," Daehwi calls all the way from the living room to Jinyoung who is in the kitchen currently scrubbing the oil off of the plates they used.

  
"Daehwi-ah?" He hollers back while he concentrates on removing the oil.

  
"Do you plan on sleeping over tonight?"

  
Jinyoung flinches at the question because he has never really thought about it. He hasn't checked what time it already was because he didn't this night to end yet. When he checked the clock hung on the wall to his left he noticed that it already was 9:35 PM. Just then he realized how low they had been talking about random things and how long they've been spending time with each other. No, he didn't want to end it just yet.

  
"If it's alright with you then I'd like to," he answers as he continues with what he was previously doing.

  
Even from the kitchen he could hear Daehwi's loud giggle, it was out of excitement as Daehwi claims. "I was scared that you'd want to leave!"

  
If Jinyoung received 1,000 won for every single time Daehwi made his heart race then he could probably eat beef for a week or two. His heart was tired of racing so much because of the effect that Daehwi has on him, but he loved the thrill.

  
"What are we watching?" Jinyoung asks as he walks back to the living room. He moved carefully since Daehwi decided to turn off the lights completely so it became a challenge to navigate from the kitchen to the living room without bumping into tables or the like.

  
"Train to Busan," Daehwi answers as he pats the spot beside him on the couch. To Jinyoung's surprise, Daehwi brought out a blanket and had half of it around himself, but the other half was meant for him.

  
"I thought you hate movies that scare you?" Jinyoung jokes as he reluctantly tries inserting himself beside Daehwi. He immediately regrets making a joke because he suddenly had an internal panic.

  
Too close, I can feel his warmth and it's messing my thoughts up. My heart is beating to fast what do I do? Those are the few thoughts that ran through Jinyoung's mind. Daehwi's shoulder and his shoulder were beside each, so were their thighs. No space between them and because of the blanket that kept them together, Jinyoung felt Daehwi's warmth at an even closer range. If earlier he was thankful for the dimmed lights, now he was practically praying to God because of the tremendous coincidence that the lights were off. He really didn't want Daehwi to witness how much he was blushing and, as said by Daniel, looking much like a cherry tomato.

  
"They do, but you said you wanted to see the movie so why not?"

  
Just as predicted, Daehwi was covering his eyes most of the time and screaming every time a zombie appeared on screen. Meanwhile Jinyoung can't help but concentrate on Daehwi rather than watch the movie. He was still flattered because Daehwi chose a movie that Jinyoung wanted to watch even though he's scared of anything with gore or horror. Daehwi listened the same way Jinyoung listened.

  
The light coming from the television screen was enough for Jinyoung, because even though it was dark, he was able to notice all the small detail's on Daehwi's face. He saw that Daehwi had long eye lashes and that his bottom lip is really plump, also he thinks that Daehwi has a cute nose. The dim light that illuminated was enough because never did he think that he would be this close to someone, and never did he think that it would be someone like Daehwi.

  
At one point in the movie, Daehwi had his right arm around Jinyoung's left arm and a few minutes later wrapped his left as well. He was holding onto to Jinyoung because he was too scared at that point, feeling paranoid that a zombie will come from behind the couch and thankfully Jinyoung did not flinch nor tell Daehwi to move away. He stayed still, because who knows when he'll be able to be this close to Daehwi.

  
"Daehwi-ah?" Jinyoung whispers but he did not receive words as a reply from the boy beside him, instead a continues sound of snoring.

  
This was a beautiful sight for Bae Jinyoung. Having the person he has feelings for beside him, hugging his arm and him leaning on his arm. The movie had ended and luckily the remote was beside him so he turned off the television. Darkness engulfed the room and the only sounds he could hear that night was Daehwi's snoring, his heart beating and the clock ticking. Unlike the silence that surrounds him in his apartment, this silence was calming and more than ever he felt at peace with himself.

  
Never had he thought about sleeping beside the person he has admired for a long time. All those features he has written and the times he mentioned wanted to be beside Daehwi were all coming true. It was a dream come true but at the same time it made him quiver with fear. He wasn't sure that anyone was allowed to be this happy or if someone like him was allowed to experience happiness. He was scared that being this close to the person he admired was okay.

  
Admired? In that moment in time, he was sure that "admire" will be enough to capture what he felt about this boy soundly asleep beside him. After a while of silence and listening to the soft snores of Lee Daehwi, he has finally come to terms with himself and his messed up feelings. He could not deny it anymore because it has been a few days since he realized the truth and now was the time that he has to complete accept the truth.

 

The truth: he loves Lee Daehwi.

 

"Jinyoung-ah, thank you..." Daehwi whispered but he was still asleep. Ah yes, he mentioned that he had a habit of sleep talking which made Jinyoung happy. He was happy that even when Daehwi slept, he remembers him. That was enough for him, to be remembered.

  
He laid Daehwi's head on his lap and fixed the blanket so it covered mostly Daehwi. Good thing that there was another blanket brought out, he wondered for a minute why Daehwi had them share one but forgot about it a second later. Once he saw that Daehwi was comfortable, he fixed the extra blanket around himself but the sand man has yet to visit him that night.

  
Daehwi's hair is soft, as observed by Jinyoung when he passes his hands through the sleepy boy's hair. The boy didn't wake at the touch of Jinyoung, rather he unconsciously enjoyed the feeling. Being able to watch Daehwi was a blessing for Jinyoung so he wished that the night would pass by slowly, not wanting this moment to end.

  
"Thank you for staying..." Daehwi mutters in his sleep, almost inaudible but it was loud enough for Jinyoung to hear. His heart beat even louder than evening and his efforts to silence it was not good enough. Luckily the boy still did not wake.

  
"I'd stay if you want me to," Jinyoung whispers in reply.

  
He meant it but he only feared that it would soon end up to be something tragic. He had no hopes of feelings being reciprocated but he feared that Daehwi will see him in a different like if he finds out and would rather have him stay away rather than stay beside him. It scared him but the fear of falling part was no stranger, he only wished that Daehwi would be there to fix him, not be the one to tear him apart.

  
The outcome of realization can be the birth of regret and pain, and maybe pain was given birth to like how the first snowflake had fallen that evening.


	7. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello thank you for the positive ffedback :) i hope you all enjoy ❤️ Please continue to support ot11 

 

  
Fear did not make Bae Jinyoung falter anymore after that evening spent with Daehwi. It was a night he won't forget for a long time because after suffering under his anxiety and fears, he decided to take a leap of faith and accept what he had been constantly denying.

 

  
_He loves Lee Daehwi._

 

  
Acceptance is a big step forward for everyone, not just for Bae Jinyoung. Before accepting the truth, people take into account the consequences and effects of this step but Jinyoung, although aware of the possible turnouts, chose to be oblivious. Little did he know that accepting his feelings towards someone would became a double-edged sword. The edge pointing away from him will be his savior but the edge pointing towards him will ruin him, and in most cases these double-edged swords have killed its wielder rather than save them.

 

  
At 2 in the afternoon, Jinyoung was about to unlock his apartment after coming home from Daehwi's house. He wanted to stay longer, Daehwi even tried persuading him, but he knew it was time for him to leave so he did. As he was looking for his keys in his bag, he looks back at the peaceful morning he had and silently wished for more mornings like that.

 

 

 

At 8 in the morning he woke up to Daehwi playing with his hair and his head on the smaller boy's lap. When he looked up and met eyes with the boy, both of them smiled. It wasn't a smile caused by a joke or in general, a smile that you never really see unless it's just you and your lover sitting together will no disruption. A peaceful smile that felt like home, according to Jinyoung.

 

  
Daehwi greeted him with a good morning in a soft voice, still accompanied by that peaceful smile that intrigued him. He replied the same and it was quiet all over again until Daehwi pointed over at the window.

 

  
_"It's finally snowing," Daehwi tells him and Jinyoung just nods. As much as he was captivated by the first snowfall, he couldn't look away from the boy who was pure as white that morning._

 

  
Breakfast was simple but was extra special on that day. Jinyoung wondered if Daehwi had felt the difference between regular breakfast and the breakfast they are having together. He also wondered whether he salted the eggs properly, put enough marshmallows in Daehwi's hot chocolate and whether having breakfast with him made Daehwi happy. Even if he had doubts, his happiness overshadowed it all.

 

  
_"This is my first breakfast with someone on this table, and it's the first time I ate breakfast with just the right amount of seasoning on my eggs and enough marshmallows in my cup."_

 

  
Taking care of the dishes had become Jinyoung's task and he didn't mind one bit. Before doing the pending chore, Daehwi had told Jinyoung to wash up since they fell asleep wearing their uniforms last night. He lent him a change of clothes that magically fit Jinyoung better than it did on Daehwi himself.

 

  
_"You look good in my clothes, even though it makes me jealous, at least we won't have any problems the next time you come over."_

 

  
The water coming from the kitchen sink was colder than usual because of the snowfall. It was hard to finishing washing the plates without shivering from time to time. Jinyoung admits that he is very sensitive to temperature and as much as he liked the cold, he didn't like it when he was at Daehwi's home that felt so warm. As he was washing dishes, he felt arms wrap around him and he flinched in surprise when he looked behind him to see Daehwi giving him a back hug.

 

  
_"I saw you shivering while washing the dishes so I thought maybe I could warm you up until you finish?"_

 

  
Daehwi wanted to walk around outside and look at the snow so they decided to do so. In the process of admiring the snow that had accumulated overnight, Daehwi clings interlocks both their arms as they walked around. Jinyoung found it pleasant because it was as if they were sharing warmth on that cold day.

 

 

" _On days like this, it's good to have someone with you. Don't you agree?"_

 

  
They decided to eat lunch after seeing the beautiful scenery that was once filled with hues of brown and fading green was now smothered in white. It was nice and warm in the diner they chose to eat at and the staff were nice enough to offer them a cup of warm tea. They ordered burgers to satisfy their cravings. Their experience at the diner was more on laughing at each other rather than actuality eating their orders.

 

  
_"You can't blame me for wanting to make snow angels and throw snowballs, because even you decided to do it!"_

 

  
Sadly, all things must come to an end. Daehwi brought Jinyoung to the bus stop and they waited for a bus so Jinyoung could go home. They had spent a long time together but there was not a minute that lacked the warmth that made Jinyoung lose his anxieties and fears. Their arms were still linked together and the warmth between them was still there. Jinyoung wished that Daehwi could always be beside him like this, even in silence or bad weather, as long as Daehwi was with him, he would feel safe and secure. He fully embraced his feelings for the boy beside him, hoping that one day he would be able to convey it properly without hiding behind a pen name.

 

  
" _It's too much to ask you to stay another day with me, right?"_

 

 

 

Being welcomed by no one and a dull home made Jinyoung wish he could just stay with Daehwi. The dull apartment and crappy heating didn't feel like home to him but the idea of staying with his family wasn't exactly home either. It was his first time to visit Daehwi's house but that place felt more like home to him but if he were to describe what home for him was then he would have probably babbled on about little intricate details describing Daehwi.

 

  
He decided to wash his uniform to take his mind off of things but sadly every time he hands get wet by water he wished for Daehwi to hug him from behind once more. Due to the absence of the boy, he just had to be satisfied with Daehwi's clothes that still had his smell.

 

  
A loud knock disrupts the silence and immediately Jinyoung walks over to open the door without hesitation because he already knows who was outside. He went back to the washing machine as his usual guest makes himself at home.

 

  
"You're finally home Jinyoung-ah, you don't know how much I worried about you!" Daniel says loudly as he followed Jinyoung to where the washing machine was.

 

  
"Thanks for worrying but I'm fine," Jinyoung replies with his back turned to Daniel.

 

  
"That's a relief then," Daniel chuckles but received no response from the boy. He pouted and just walked over to Jinyoung's bed that was still untouched but is now a mess.

 

  
After a while Jinyoung walked into his room and groaned because his hyung had messed up the bed he had left clean before his sleepover last night. He sat on the edge of his bed, sending daggers with his stare to Daniel.

 

  
"So what astounding reason do you have for coming over this time?" Jinyoung asks Daniel who was busy typing on his phone. He wasn't trying to be rude, it's already a usual thing for the two of them and he sounded mad because his bed was all messed up. Most of the time Daniel comes over to drag Daehwi along on his date with Seongwu or some other reason, and him asking Daniel is just to soothe his worries.

 

  
His curiosity was met by the screen of Daniel's phone. With an assuring nod from Daniel, he takes the phone from him and looks at what was flashed on the screen. They were emails that were sent to the newspaper club regarding Jinyoung's features. Each one was a heartwarming message giving support to Jinyoung or more known as Inneeka. As nice as it was that Daniel came over to show all the positive feedback, Jinyoung felt like there was more to this than what meets the eye.

 

  
"They're really supportive of you," Daniel chuckles as he takes back his phone from Jinyoung. He puts his phone in his pocket and gives the boy in front of him a cheeky smile.

 

  
"Ah, so my subconscious was right," Jinyoung remarks when he sees how wide Daniel's smile is. "So what do I have to do this time?"

 

  
"You really know me through and through, Jinyoung-ah. Well, it's not anything big or difficult so you can calm down," Daniel says because he noticed how attentive Jinyoung looked and how the boy looked so stiff. "You just have to write another article, other than the one you have to write for next week's paper."

 

  
Jinyoung didn't know people were this interested in his works that were purely just a medium to express how he felt towards Daehwi. Articles that were written for an oblivious boy have captured the hearts of many yet has failed to gain attention from the person who it is meant for.

 

  
"Can you tell me more about it?"

 

 

 

The apartment became quiet when Daniel had left but Jinyoung's mind was not quiet that evening. Before Daniel left, he asked Jinyoung where he was last night and he received an earnest reply. Jinyoung left out the parts about him fall in love with Daehwi because he wasn't ready to openly admit that to someone. He was more troubled by the article Daniel had told him about because of the very personal question he was given.

 

  
_Did you decide to take a leap of faith?_

 

  
A question that he can easily answer but it somehow challenges him to go beyond acceptance. Being ignorant of his fear made him want to take risks he usually never thinks of doing. They aren't deadly risks but it will surely hurt him if it all goes wrong.

 

  
 _Should I take this opportunity to confess?_ He asks himself before he falls asleep.

 

 

 

The walk to school on Monday morning was cold and tiresome. To keep himself entertained, he watched his breath in the air and constantly kept fiddling with the end of his long scarf. He was never usually this bothered by walking alone because it had become a daily routine for him but all of a sudden it felt empty. His surroundings was no longer a monochrome picture but it had become a vibrant painting gushing with life.

 

  
How can someone who was almost emotionless and saw the world in black and white, feel so many things and see vibrant colors all of a sudden?

 

  
It was all because of one person. One person set Bae Jinyoung free from the anxieties and fears that bound him to the monochrome and desolate world he used to live in. If it weren't for that one person then Bae Jinyoung would have continued to live in that dark place and would probably have chosen death. Even if his love wasn't reciprocated, he would be satisfied just being able to see that one person and stand beside him as a friend or watch him from a far.

 

  
 _Let me stay beside him even after the risk I'm taking,_ he silently wishes this as he looked down and began to walk faster towards school.

 

  
"Jinyoung-ah!" He hears this from behind him, already aware who it would be. He doesn't need to guess because he instantly recognized the person with the first syllable he said.

 

  
"Daehwi-ah," he says when the boy who called his name finally caught up to him. This reminded him of last Friday when Daehwi was breathless after running towards Jinyoung. Just like back then, he handed the boy his handkerchief.

 

  
"Thanks," Daehwi responds after catching his breath. He straightened out his coat and uniform, as well as his beanie that was about to fall after all the running he did.

 

  
As Daehwi was wiping the few beads of sweat on his forehead, Jinyoung just stood beside him and watched. He didn't know what to say and he was too occupied with watching Daehwi so he remained silent.

 

  
"Good morning," Daehwi finally greets the dazed Jinyoung.

 

  
"Good morning," he replies a few seconds late, making Daehwi chuckle.

 

  
"Mornings are great when you walk with someone," Daehwi tells Jinyoung who was blushing but luckily the shorter boy didn't see.

 

  
"Yeah, my morning is great because you're here."

 

 

 

Classes went by really fast today, and Jinyoung was thankful for that because he always anticipated break time and free periods so he could see Daehwi again. It was really obvious that Jinyoung is different from before and his classmates see that. Before Jinyoung walked out of the classroom for lunch, his classmates watched him closely and noticed slight changes. The usually gloomy Bae Jinyoung had a smile on his face and walked with his head held high. His face isn't expressionless anymore, it seems brighter than usual. The changes are most evident when people see him with Daehwi, and some sigh in relief because of this.

 

  
"Jinyoung," one his classmates call out to him.

 

  
"Yeah?" Jinyoung looks at his classmates who called him before he left the classroom.

 

  
"You seem happy today," his classmates tells him with a smile. Jinyoung felt awkward towards his classmate because he didn't know that they were paying attention to him.

 

  
"Thank you," he says with a weak tone. That was the best thing he could say without embarrassing himself.

 

  
After the few seconds of silence, he decided to walk out of his classroom and look for Daehwi at their meeting place today. Daehwi told him that they were going to eat lunch with Woojin and Jihoon today so he said he'll be there quickly. Other than enjoying lunch because of having Daehwi around, he also enjoyed the company of his too hyungs. He hasn't seen them in a while because he had been avoiding contact with them when he was avoiding Daehwi, which he deeply regrets.

 

**  
From: Daehwi-ah ❤️**

**Where r u? :(**

 

**  
To: Daehwi-ah ❤️**

**are you guys there already? i'll be there soon :(**

 

**  
From: Daehwi-ah ❤️**

**don't rush yourself, we can wait :)**

 

  
They became text mates over the weekend, the beginning of their text conversation was mostly apologies from Jinyoung because he didn't reply before. It was a nice way to keep connected when they were at home and not at school so they frequently texted each other. Their names on each other's contact lists have a heart beside it which made Jinyoung very happy because he felt special.

 

  
When he finally got to the other wing of the building, where students barely go for their breaks, he saw the trio sitting by the stairs waving at him. It was still an unfamiliar feeling for Jinyoung, he was never used to having people wait for him or spend lunch time with him. He wished that everyday would be like this, but he feared that if he got too used to this then it will break him.

 

  
"I'm sorry I took so long," Jinyoung says when he takes a seat beside Daehwi on the stairs. Daehwi hands him the handkerchief that Jinyoung lent him so he could wipe away the few beads of sweat on his forehead.

 

  
"We weren't waiting that long," Daehwi chuckles at the tired boy beside him.

 

  
"Really? I feel like I made you guys wa-"

 

  
"It's not a big deal Jinyoung-ssi," Jihoon pats him on the head, also laughing at how flustered Jinyoung is. "Besides, if you ever keep us waiting you can always make it up to us by buying us lunch," he says with a wink. Even the flustered Jinyoung couldn't hold back his laugh.

 

  
"I'd like a bowl of ramen then," Woojin blurts out. A few seconds later he receives a hit on the head from Jihoon who was standing beside him. "Why'd you do that for?" He winces in pain, placing his had at the spot where Jihoon had hit.

 

  
"You already got something from the cafeteria a while ago," Jihoon answers accompanied by eye rolling.

 

  
For a few more minutes, the two of them argue about lunch but halfway through Jinyoung stopped paying attention to them and just watches Daehwi. Sitting beside the person he loves is something Jinyoung will never take for granted anymore. Distancing himself will only widen the gap between them and not only that, but it hurts both of it. There is no happiness in the gap he creates between them, only the numbing cold and isolation. But being this close to Daehwi isn't free of its flaws. Unlike distancing himself, getting close only affects him and not the other party. Only he will experience the pain of colliding with Daehwi, but even if little by little he falls apart, he will be satisfied as long as Daehwi is happy. As long as his love lives on, he will be satisfied even if he, himself, doesn't.

 

  
"Jinyoung-ah," Daehwi says as he waves a hand in front of Jinyoung's face. He flinches when he realizes that he was probably staring at Daehwi for a long time.

 

  
"Yeah?" Jinyoung couldn't think of anything else to say so he pretends that nothing happened a few minutes ago.

 

  
"Do you want to share my lunch?" Daehwi offers and there was no hesitation in Jinyoung's voice when he agreed.

 

  
On that cold winter day, Bae Jinyoung felt a different type of warmth. It wasn't as warm as the one radiated by Daehwi, but it was a mellow warmth that he couldn't explain with a mere definition. A mellow warmth that soothed out his nerves. A mellow warmth that made him see yellow everywhere. A mellow warmth that made him forget about growing up. A mellow warmth that he has been yearning for ever since his life took a deep plunge.

 

  
The mellow warmth brought by _friendship_.

 

  
In the midst of all the jokes, laughter, and eating, Jihoon suddenly brought up a question that made Jinyoung flinch beside Daehwi. Even in the mellow warmth, Jinyoung felt a slight chill under his skin.

 

  
Why now? He thinks to himself as he tries to recompose himself by eating away to dismiss the feeling of uneasiness.

 

  
"Woojin and I have been wondering about something," Jihoon says with his chopsticks in his hand. Daehwi momentarily stops eating to what his hyung has to say, and Jinyoung follows. "As men you have to answer with complete honesty, alright?"

 

  
"Jihoon-ssi, get to the question already," Woojin says to ruin the mood Jihoon had made. Daehwi still laughs in that type of situation while Jinyoung can't help but tighten his grip on his chopsticks. His fingernails dug onto the palm of his hand, making small wounds.

 

  
"You really ruin everything," Jihoon groans to his partner in crime but he shakes that off and looks back at the two boys on the steps on the staircase. He point his chopsticks back and forth between the two before saying the question. "Are either of you in love or in a relationship?"

 

  
Jinyoung was really on edge with the question because he wasn't sure with what he should answer. With his mind trying to formulate a convincing answer, all thoughts were disrupted when Daehwi laughs really loudly. It wasn't a mocking laugh, but it was a laugh filled with joy and warmth that Jinyoung desperately needed at that moment.

 

  
 _Ah, I love this boy beside me but I'm so sorry_ , Jinyoung thought to himself before taking a deep breath and exhaling.

 

  
"We'll start of with you since you seem prepared," Woojin says as he points his own chopsticks to Jinyoung who just released an insane amount of stress with his deep breathing.

 

  
"I don't love anyone," he answers coldly without letting any unnecessary thoughts or words seep through his cracks.

 

_  
I'm in love with someone and he's right here. I'm sorry for lying._

 

  
"You're no fun," Jihoon pouts at the dull answer but Woojin gives Jinyoung a look of doubt. Jinyoung paid no attention to the look he was given but instead apologized for his boring answer. "Daehwi?"

 

  
It was obvious that Daehwi was excited to share something regarding the question Jihoon had asked. In contrast to that excitement, Jinyoung feel tension all over his body as he awaits the answer of Daehwi. From the beginning he didn't expect his feelings to be reciprocated but he would be lying if he said that there wasn't a sliver of hope in his heart.

 

  
"I'm not in a relationship at the moment and I don't know where what I will share with you three is going to be considered love, so is it alright for me to continue?"

 

  
"Go on," Woojin says with a nod. Jinyoung wasn't the only one interested in the boy's answer because not even his hyungs have heard a sharing like this from Daehwi.

 

  
"I'm an avid reader but never really of the newspaper. Well...that all changed when a classmate of mine from the newspaper club handed me an issue from a month or two ago. Even I was surprised when I became hooked on reading the newspaper. Well...not exactly," Daehwi suddenly found it difficult to form the following sentence, not because it was hard for him but because he didn't know the right words to say.

 

  
The moment Daehwi mentioned something about the school newspaper, Jinyoung felt a sudden urge to throw up because of how nervous he was. He didn't want to be that guy that assumes things but the time frame given by Daehwi fits in well with his time he started writing for the paper.

 

  
 _You idiot, he might be interested in the news not your silly features_. It saddened him to tell himself that but prevention was key to avoid any mishap.

 

  
"Don't get me wrong, but I'm only interested in one section of the school newspaper. Even though I'm not the type of person to think about love on a daily basis, the articles I read weekly really hit home for me."

 

  
 _Calm down, there are other articles on the newspaper_.

 

  
"This is something embarrassing...but I'll admit that I snatch the first copy of the newspaper every time it is released. Something about that person's articles really leaves a big impact on me, you know?"

 

  
"Who wrote the articles you're referring to though?" Woojin asks Daehwi who was still smiling after sharing his own take on his love.

 

_  
Don't say it please._

 

  
"The writer doesn't write by his or her name sadly," Daehwi sighs but still continues to smile, even though sadness was evident on it. "Inneeka's articles intrigue me the most."

 

  
Should Jinyoung be happy or should he live within his fears again? How should he react in this situation? The person, the only person, he writes for actually reads his content. He never thought about the possibility of it ever happening because he always brought himself down before finding out the truth. For a second happiness surges throughout his body, but the world was too cruel to let this happiness last. He felt a lump in his throat and it became difficult for him to breathe or utter a single word.

 

_  
Why now?_

 

  
"I'm not sure if my interest in _Inneeka's_ writing is love but for now I'll say that it is." Daehwi happily finishes his sharing because for him he got a lot off his chest and talking about his interests makes him happy. His cheeks appeared more flush than usual because it wasn't the cold temperature that made it that way.

 

  
"I also like his writing," Jihoon says to break the tension that formed after Daehwi finished talking. "But do you ever wonder who that writer pertains to in his or her article?"

 

  
"I've always wondered but whoever the it is, they're lucky." Daehwi answers as he eats the last egg roll in his container.

 

 

Nothing was right in Jinyoung's world. Everything seemed so out of place even though things were finally going his way. It's ironic how Jinyoung's happiness is the same as his fear. A few days ago he ignored the consequences of his actions and now it's all coming back to him.

 

  
Classes in the afternoon went by quickly for Jinyoung since his thoughts were somewhere else that day. His thoughts were in conflict with his feelings and it became difficult to comprehend so he spent his last period crying in the comfort room so no one could find him. His hands were shaking as he sat on the cold tiled floor. He had his phone in hand so he could text someone to come to him but he remembers that it was either Daehwi or Daniel that would come to his aid so he chose to turn off his phone until thr bell rang.

 

  
He had promised Daehwi that they would go home together but he chose to stay at school for club activities. Crying for over an hour in the comfort room was tiring and it made him seem week so he couldn't own up to it. Luckily Daehwi didn't pry too much into the topic and told Jinyoung that it was alright.

 

  
Walking into the club room felt like a safe haven for him. It was a place he could type away all his worries without anyone finding out his identity. He took off his coat and sat down on his usual seat beside another writer, a second year, whom he doesn't talk with. They greet each other before continuing to write their articles. The usual routine that never changed over time which makes him relieved because at least that's something he has control over.

 

  
"Jinyoung-ssi, you're here?" Daniel asks the fragile boy. He walked over to where Jinyoung sat and greeted him with a smile but that smile wasn't returned. "What made you come over days before your deadline?"

 

  
"I need to get rid of this heavy load on my chest," he shrugs before turning back to his laptop screen which was still loading. He didn't feel like answering a question from anyone this week, he just wanted to freely express his feelings just like how he used to when he first started writing for the newspaper club. "Can I do a free write for this week?"

 

  
Daniel raised an eyebrow at the boy who was sitting but didn't say anything unnecessary to avoid conflict. "Either way the readers will enjoy your content so knock yourself out, buddy."

 

  
After that, Daniel went back to his own seat and continued with his own work. He didn't watch Jinyoung this time because he knew that whatever the boy was going through, he needed to confront it alone.

 

  
Writing had become Jinyoung's outlet for all his emotions and he felt like it was an extension of who he was. He feared that once Daehwi finds out who is the person behind Inneeka, he might be disappointed and decide to not love his articles anymore. More than that, he fears that Daehwi will hate him after realizing who the articles are actually about.

 

  
_Winter is a season where life withers and everything that used to brim with life is now idle and awaiting spring. My heart also awaits spring for winter and fear bring forth a cold that my heart cannot handle on its own. Although spring cannot compare to you, it is good enough for I fear you the most and you bring upon this fear I have. The warmth you bring me is cancelled out by the icy chill that my fear of you brings and someday fear will overthrow your warmth, once again engulfing me._

_  
On the first snowfall, I watched it in darkness but I was alone that evening since fear paid me no homage. Even if I had you by my side, your presence was not felt since the cold that winter brought numbed me and I could not feel your warmth. It pained me to feel nothing that evening but at the same time I was relieved because I was able to watch you in such a peaceful state and be with you without having to worry about time or anxiety._

_  
Why is it that every time I look at you I come to realize that I had been hiding behind a facade? I look at you and see myself as a coward for saying I never loved someone as ethereal as you. I'm sorry if I couldn't confidently love you from the beginning like you deserve. Love is a heavy of a burden for me to accept and carry on my own because I knew that it is impossible for you to reciprocate something you have never experienced. I, too, am a beginner with love but asking you to walk on this path with me is too much for me to ask. I should have stayed away from you because we were better off not knowing each other, you seemed happier._

_  
My feelings have been suppressed enough and denying my immense feelings for you only makes me sick. I learned to accept these feelings and chose to ignore the consequences of doing so. I knew it would bite me back someday but I never thought someday could be so soon. My happiness is ephemeral, and that's okay but knowing that you are also a fleeting existence scares me. I would give up my happiness to lengthen your stay but sadly it doesn't work that way. It's either I cherish you or run away from you, and all I can say is that I'm stuck in between. This is the effect you have on me and it terrifies me. You terrify me._

_  
A coward like me that hides behind the newspaper doesn't deserve to be with you. Oh how I wish that I had been born as someone else, someone who doesn't store fear in their hearts and someone who isn't afraid to let fate cross their paths with your's. I thought being indifferent to the existence of fate would give me control over my life, but I had slowly forgotten that you are your own person and I cannot make your heart beat twice as fast as it normally should. Even so, I would not want you to end up with someone like me._

_  
I need you but at the same time, I cannot be with you._


	8. Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! this is your author-nim and I would like to give you all a heads up because in the following weeks the updates will be shorter which means the fic will be longer! i will still update weekly but the word count will be lesser due to the fact that school is taking up more time than expected :<  please understand and I am apologizing in advance please don't get mad :( i love you all very much! I hope you all are doing alright and if not, please do not hesitate to talk to me because I'll listen to you!

Fear is not selective on who it preys on, because no one is safe from it and there is no way to escape from it. There are only two possibilities, you let fear rule over you and twist your views on life or you choose to overcome it. And just like everyone else who is afraid of taking risks, Bae Jinyoung lets fear reside in his heart and lets it swallow him whole.  
  
  


On Tuesday morning, he still met up with Daehwi just like they had agreed on. The same warm feeling was still there but the only difference was that every time he and Daehwi came in contact with each other, it  _stung_. It didn't make him bleed or get bruises like a real sting, it just felt like electricity coursing through his veins and he felt sick.   
  
  


The effect of fear on those who fear  _Fear_  itself.  
  
  


The following day still followed the same pattern but that afternoon Daniel called him over to the club room. Jinyoung found it odd at first because he was already done with his article for the week but he went anyway. He thought that it was better than getting stung again.   
  
  


"You have a meeting today?" Daehwi asks with a disappointed tone. He likes hanging out with Jinyoung because it feels like they've known each other for such a long time. The fact that they haven't hung out much during the afternoon saddened him.  
  
  


"Yeah..." Jinyoung says with a shrug. As much as he wanted to walk beside Daehwi and have their arms linked like usual, he just doesn't see it as the right time to do so.  
  
  


"That's too bad," Daehwi says with a pout. Even Jinyoung couldn't hold back his laugh at the sight of Daehwi's cute act. "Can I wait for you?" Daehwi asks, the pout was replaced by a bright smile.  
  
  


"It might take a while so you should go home," Jinyoung regretfully tells Daehwi. He wasn't even sure why he was being called by Daniel to their club room all of a sudden so he doesn't know how long he has to stay.   
  
  


Daehwi was disheartened after hearing that from Jinyoung but he couldn't force his new best friends to skip the meeting for him. He just nodded and closed his shoe locker after getting his sneakers. Jinyoung walked with him to the school gate before they said their goodbyes.   
  
  


Jinyoung noticed the sad expression on Daehwi's face so he took a deep breath and shouted at the boy. "I'll text you!" And with that, the sad Lee Daehwi felt better.  
  
  


It was weird but Jinyoung didn't understand why he shouted and why he suddenly felt like things are starting to change. There was no time to worry about any of that because this day was far from being over. He rushes back into the school building and goes to the club room, avoiding as many people as possible. He didn't have a problem with people, he just wanted to meet with Daniel as soon he can.  
  
  


The moment he opens the door to the club room, he immediately notices that everyone except Daniel wasn't present. It felt empty for him since he wasn't used to hearing nothing in the club room, the sound of keyboard clicks had become a calming tune for him. He directed his attention to the busy editor who looked up from his screen to greet the newly arrived boy.   
  
  


"Took you long enough," Daniel says as he removes his glasses. He stretches his arms, showing how tired he was but still smiling to welcome Jinyoung. "Take a seat will you," he instructs Jinyoung to sit on the chair he had placed beside his desk.  
  
  


The silence in the club room isn't helping ease the tension off of Jinyoung because this is the first time Daniel has ever looked serious. He tries to clear his throat and take in deep breaths so he can finally break the deafening silence that surrounds them.  
  
  


"So...why did you call me over?" Jinyoung asks as he fiddles with his fingers because he wasn't eager to hear anything that concerned his article. What he submitted was a mess, but it's such a good reflection of the mess he really is at the moment.  
  
  


When Jinyoung finished saying his sentence, Daniel closed his laptop screen and eyed Jinyoung from top to bottom. Of course the pressure from being judged that way made Jinyoung feel even more tensed that before. A minute later, Daniel just laughs at how much Jinyoung was sweating even though it's winter and it's practically freezing outside.  
  
  


"I wanted to talk," Daniel tells him as he finds his composure and retrieves the serious mood. Jinyoung, in reply, nods to Daniel so he could continue with what he is saying. "After reading your articles ever since you got here, I suddenly came to a realization that I don't know who you write about. I mean you give great content but on a personal level and as your close friend, I feel concerned about you."  
  


"Is that all?" Jinyoung says a bit sarcastically and immediately Daniel shoots him a frown as well as a head shake.  
  
  


"Let me finish," Daniel snaps back and Jinyoung just watches him. With a sigh, he returns to his narrative. "And I mean come on, I'm almost like a brother to you but you never mention anything about the person you write about. It mind sound weird in a way but I tried re-reading all your past works. I tried connecting them all and it sort of made sense to me that this person means so much to you that you love them from a distance and at close range yet you fear them so. And it occurred to me that your recent articles show your close relationship with your muse. Is that correct?"  
  
  


There was no escape since Daniel had pieced together everything. Although Daehwi has not been mention yet, Jinyoung felt as though it won't take long before his hyung will figure out the identity of the muse. He felt bad for not telling him anything so he let Daniel come up with his own hypothesis and if it's correct, then Jinyoung will have to own up to it.

 

"You're very observant," Jinyoung answers. His answer was his way of saying  _yes, you're correct_  because saying that will make him too anxious for his own good. 

 

"I think I know who it is actually," Daniel says as he stands up and walks over to the window. He doesn't look at Jinyoung but instead watches the snow fall and the windows fog up. "If I tell you my guess, will you answer honestly?"

 

"Yeah," Jinyoung agrees as his eyes followed his hyung. This is the first time he has ever held a conversation about his personal life, he always tries escaping tight situations like this. Surprisingly, his heart is calming down and he isn't feeling as nervous as he thought he would be.

 

There was a long and awkward silence before Daniel responded. If you listened carefully, you could probably hear a needle drop on the floor. But it was enough time for both of them to breathe, especially Jinyoung who was mentally preparing himself for Daniel's guess and reaction.

 

"Is it that Lee Daehwi from 1-C?" Daniel finally guesses, still not facing Jinyoung mainly because he wants a verbal answer so he doesn't misinterpret anything.

 

"You're a great guesser."

 

 

 

Trust had always been an issue for him, which is why at a young age he chose to isolate himself from everyone and fear became a constant companion. Many novels, essays, works of fiction, and works of non-fiction would always say trust is important and even though it is a big risk, we need to do so in order to grow. Even in stories like Peter Pan, trust is always included if you want to be able to fly. In a sense, without trust, you can never move on from where you are because life cannot be conquered on an individual whim. Hence, you cannot fly nor move forward when you neglect the value of trust. Jinyoung has only started on this path tinted with pixie dust and trust, and is silently wishing to be able to fly soon.

 

Being able to love someone and let people know of that love, whether reciprocated or left unnoticed, brings an overwhelming satisfaction. When Jinyoung had opened up to Daniel that afternoon, a great weight was lifted off his chest and only a feather was left. He didn't know of the pleasure that being able to trust someone brought because the people he trusted wholeheartedly left him empty and alone. At least now, he found someone he could trust without being paranoid that someone else will find out. 

 

_"Do you feel any pressure from the questions I handpick for you?"_

 

_"It brings discomfort at first but once I start writing, I just keep remembering how much I love him."_

 

_"I remember reading a few weeks ago that you don't love him, but now you've actually realized it."_

 

_"Am I odd for being in love?"_

 

_"No, because we all fall in love with people we think we don't deserve."_

 

Jinyoung was on his way home already, when he decided to stop by the park he hasn't visited in a while. He remembers the bench vandal that he had been talking to and thinks that it was rude of him to not reply, if the vandal did write his own response.

 

The park was emptier than usual, but then again it's too cold to enjoy the swing or to sit and count cars pass by. As he was walking towards his usual bench, he thought about the many things Daniel had told him. The talk with hyung didn't complete obliterate the fear within him, but it light a fire in his heart which combated the cold that fear brought. It was enough for him to keep going on the path he has chosen to walk on, a path that leads to Daehwi.

 

_"Do you have plans of telling him?"_

 

_"I've been thinking of doing so but I don't think things will end on a good note."_

 

_"How do you know that if you haven't tried?"_

 

_"I just know it."_

 

When Jinyoung was a few meters away, he looked up and saw someone unexpected at the bench. The person had a marker out and was writing something at the same spot where he replies to the vandal. No words could explain the ecstasy that the sting he felt brought him. What he was feeling in that moment couldn't be explained by mere words so he chose to watch the boy with snowflakes in his hair.

 

_"You really love him don't you?"_

 

_"It's a late realization, but I really do."_

 

_"Then don't just stand there and do something."_

 

_"I can't."_

 

It was good five minutes before the boy walked in the other direction, heading for the bus station. Once Jinyoung's eyes stopped trailing the boy, he was struck by the realization that the bench vandal and the boy he loves is the same person. He rushed over to the bench to see what Daehwi had written.

 

_it's alright :) you never know unless you ask if they know!_

 

_you haven't written back yet :(_

 

_i guess writing is your passion that's why you're busy :) fighting!_

 

"Oh shit," he muttered to himself as he reread everything written on the bench. He never thought for a second that Daehwi could have been the bench vandal and he just thought that it was out of pure coincidence that someone likes the same word as him. If this was fate's way of pushing Jinyoung to confess then he's at the end of a cliff right now, ready to fall or fly depending on his decision.

 

To fly or to fall, was a decision that Jinyoung had to make. If he lets this chance go then he would drown in a pool of regret that he has been filled with the multiple  _I should have_ 's he has collected throughout the years. He briefly writes his decision by writing his response to the bench vandal.

 

_let's meet up, saturday at the cafe down the block? :)_

 

_"If you love him, let him know before it's too late."_

 

_"I think it is already too late."_

 

_"I'm only going to say this once, Bae Jinyoung. You'll live a whole life filled with regret if you let him go. You'll forever live with the regret and never know what mornings with Daehwi will be like every day. You'll never get the chance to love someone the way you love him. You'll have an incomplete painting if you let your artist walk away without stroking his last color. You'll regret it."_

 

"I'll learn to fly," Jinyoung tells himself before sealing his marker and putting it back in his bag. There was nothing left for him to do but to anxiously wait for the day of his big leap.

 

It was another grey and cold day, ending it this way made Jinyoung feel satisfied with the decisions he had decided on today. He looked up at the sky, his chin tilted upwards as his face started to catch a few snowflakes. Everything seemed to move slowly, even the cars passing by seemed like they were moving as slow as the snowflakes were falling. A moment where nothing seemed rushed and nothing seemed to push him to make another decision. He lived in that short moment and prepared himself for the many changes coming his way soon.

 

Looking back at the boy who began to write articles because he couldn't express himself properly and now looking at the boy sitting here who decided to confront his fear, you can see how much that boy has grown. Yes, he still fear many things such as rejection, being abandoned and being forgotten, but after months he has come to realize that fear is just a part of him that he needs to control and not let it control him. Why did such a big change occur? 

 

It is all because of Lee Daehwi. 

 

Jinyoung has told himself countless of times that he fears Daehwi but as he reflect in the slow moment he is in, he realizes that it is natural to fear something you love. His fears didn't revolve around him anymore. He fears Daehwi's reactions and emotions, he fears that Daehwi will leave him, and most of all, he fears that Daehwi will get hurt because of him. Love made him this way and if he had the chance to love someone else in his next life, he'd want it to be Daehwi.

 

 

The following days went by quickly since Jinyoung had been mentally preparing himself for what was coming his way. This took up a lot of his time and energy but he made sure not to show it, especially to Daehwi. Although he had to be wary of his movements, so every chance he had to avoid getting stung , he took it. From being asked by his teacher to photocopy something, from finishing an article for a friend or studying in advance, he did it all just to avoid situations where he was going to be stung.

 

Friday finally came, making Jinyoung feel like the two that passed wasn't enough to prepare him for the next day. He was alone during lunch break because he told Daehwi and the others that he was busy  and couldn't make it. There were complaints, mostly from Daehwi, but they just let the small faced boy do his thing. He didn't have anything to do really, he just spent his time practicing what he was going to tell Daehwi, and deep down, he knows he'll forget these when it's time to confess.

 

He scratched his head in frustration and pulled back part of his fringe, exposing his forehead. The paper he had been writing on was filled with his messy handwriting and small doodles of a duck, which Daehwi loved drawing because he said it looked like him. As he looked at the random phrases he came up with,  _you make me feel like I'm not alone_ ,  _you make me forget my loneliness_ , and many more, it makes his annoyed with himself because not a single coherent sentence was formed. Out of frustration, he crumpled the paper and threw it in his bag. 

 

"Bae Jinyoung? Well, he's over there," his classmate says as she points to him from a far. Jinyoung looked over to the door where the voice came from and immediately he stood up from his seat and put his hands down on his desk.

 

"Thank you," his senior tells his classmate who was smiling happily. The boy was approaching Jinyoung, giving him a stare. He pardoned himself in front of the 1-A students before taking hold of Jinyoung's wrist and pulling him out of the classroom.

 

Neither of them were talking to each other but Jinyoung could feel a lump in his throat.  _This doesn't seem good_ , he thinks to himself as Woojin was pulling him to somewhere he doesn't know about.  _Why did he come for me?_  He wonders as he observed the boy who had a hand clasps to his wrist. 

 

"We need to talk," Woojin says sternly as they arrive at the empty music room. Both of them go inside and Woojin locks the door so no one can interrupt their talking.

 

"What do you want to talk about?" Jinyoung asks with a forced chuckle at the end. It was awkward, more awkward than that time he saw Woojin trying to kiss Jihoon on the cheek when they were joking around.

 

"Do you have any idea how much it frustrates me to see you distance yourself from Daehwi?" Woojin asks with an displeased tone. He crosses his arms as he leans on the piano, sending stares at Jinyoung who was speechless. "You think I haven't noticed? Well, you're mistaken then Jinyoung."

 

"What...are you trying to say?" Jinyoung utters as his voice quivered. He had a hard time breathing because of the tension in the room brought by Woojin's intense stare that Jinyoung's eyes have failed to meet.

 

Woojin stood up straight and slowly walked towards the tense Jinyoung. He stopped walking when he was a meter away from Jinyoung and pointed his finger at the boy's face. Jinyoung stared at the tip of Woojin's finger before finally meeting gazes with him.

 

"You have feelings for Daehwi don't you?" 

 

"What?" Jinyoung blurts out, completely in shock with the sudden accusation, nonetheless Woojin had guessed right just like Daniel. He wasn't wary of Woojin before because he never thought he'd be watching him closely. 

 

"It simply means what it means, so let me ask you again," Woojin says as he put his arm down and walking towards the piano again. "Do you have feelings for Daehwi?"

 

Trust was still an issue and Jinyoung didn't feel completely safe because Woojin knew about his feelings. Could he trust Woojin with his feelings for Daehwi? He wondered about this in the short time he was given before Woojin spoke again.

 

"Based on your fidgety movements, you're probably thinking,  _Woojin hyung might tell Daehwi about it, I can't trust him_. Am I right?" Woojin says as his facial expression softens. Jinyoung couldn't think of anything to say because Woojin had read him like an open book. It freaked him out because someone, whom he only met a few weeks ago, could read him this well. "I think I'm right, so I'll just assure you that I won't snitch. Your secret is safe with me Jinyoung," he adds as he gives the stunned boy a side smile.

 

"Yeah, I do have feelings for him. I'm not sure how much you've read into me, but I've fallen way too deep to go back."

 

"I know nothing about romance, but I know how it feels to love someone who doesn't love you back." Woojin says with an apologetic smile and a soft chuckle. "You're scared aren't you?"

 

"You really read into me well," Jinyoung remarks, finally relieved of the tension he had been feeling.

 

"Not really, you're just an open book that few have dared to read," Woojin jokes and it gets the reaction that he expected from Jinyoung. "It's alright to be scared but don't let that stop you from loving Daehwi. He's pretty upset that you don't spend time with us as much and you always say you're busy so he ends up going home alone. And that whole love talk we had the other day made put the pieces the together and realize something."

 

"What did you realize?"

 

"I realized that you and that article writer are the same person, am I correct?" 

 

"It scares me that you know all of this."

 

 

Realization scares Jinyoung as well, but he finds it strange when he doesn't feel the same anxiety and fear when other people realize things. The sensation of trusting others still felt unfamiliar to him, but the glorious feeling he gets from it makes it more and more satisfactory. Now, Woojin and Daniel knew of his feelings and with the encouragement they gave him, he has yet to confess.

 

Classes finally ends and as Jinyoung was packing his notebooks, he was contemplating whether he should make up another excuse to avoid getting stung or should he spend his last  _not awkward_  moments with Daehwi. Before he could choose from his two choices, he heard loud steps from outside their classroom and when he looked over to the door, he saw a frantic Daehwi whose hair was messy from running. Jinyoung, although still debated on his two choices, ended up walking towards Daehwi and ruffled up the already messy hair of the boy.

 

"Shall we?" Jinyoung says, still smiling at how Daehwi appeared. The huffing boy's pout was replaced by a smile at the thought of finally getting Jinyoung's attention.

 

They walked in silence but it was a comforting silence. Jinyoung kept getting stung but rather than feeling sick, he just felt butterflies his stomach every time Daehwi giggled. Even when they were getting their shoes from the shoe locker, Jinyoung couldn't take his eyes off of Daehwi. He missed being this close to him. He missed being by his side all the time. And now he realizes the time that he has wasted and the time he could have spent with Daehwi.

 

"Jinyoung-ah," Daehwi calls out when he already has his shoes on. Jinyoung flinches as he realizes that he was staring once again at the boy. "Can we pass by somewhere today?"

 

"Sure," Jinyoung says with hint of nervousness in his voice.  _At least he didn't point out that I was staring at him_ , he thought to himself.

 

Even after a few days of not hanging out, they never lost their closeness from last Friday night. As usual, Daehwi held Jinyoung's hand as they walked towards his requested destination. The once cold and numb hand of Bae Jinyoung was now warmed up by a single touch from Lee Daehwi. It was a fact that Jinyoung missed this warm feeling he always got when Daehwi was with him. A warmth that held no fear, a warmth that made winter feel like spring, a warmth that made his anxieties vanish, a warmth that he yearned for when they were apart.

 

_"If you love him that much, then what are you so afraid of?" Daniel asked him._

 

_"I'm afraid that once he finds out, he'll never be my friend again."_

 

_"You never know, he might not be your friend anymore because he looks at you and sees stars in your eyes the way you see him as you center of your universe."_

 

_"I don't think love works that way."_

 

The path they were taking to Daehwi's requested destination seemed way too familiar for Jinyoung. He suddenly realizes that they were heading for the park that he usually stay at, the same park that they anonymously write to each other. Jinyoung had many thoughts in his head at that time but all were flushed away when Daehwi went ahead and pulled him to the bench where all their secret conversations were held.

 

"I'm sorry for dragging you all the way here," Daehwi apologizes but still smiles brightly on that gloomy day. "I just wanted to check something."

 

"What are you going to check?" Jinyoung asks, pretending that he doesn't know a single thing about the vandalism.

 

"Well," Daehwi says as he dusts of the snow on the bench and points at the section where their writings were. "I'm waiting for someone to write me back," he tells Jinyoung but frowns when he sees that his anonymous friend didn't reply to him.

 

Jinyoung noticed that Daehwi replied to his plan,  _see you at 2 pm :)._ He sighs in relief when he reads the reply. At least he knows that Daehwi agreed to meet up with him tomorrow. Daehwi looks at him with a confused looks but Jinyoung excuses himself by saying he needed to take a deep breath because of the cold temperature.

 

"We better get going, I don't want you to get sick," Daehwi says with a caring tone and a small smile. He holds Jinyoung's hand again as they walked to the bus stop to wait for a bus.

 

"I hope you have a good day tomorrow," Jinyoung tells Daehwi, a forced smile plastered on his small face.

 

"It would be a better day if you were with me though."

 

 

Jinyoung didn't sleep a wink that night. He kept standing in front of the mirror in his apartment and practicing his expressions. He tried smiling but every single one seemed forced which made him sigh and shout in frustration. His smiles were filled with insincerity when he tries practicing it, there was really a big difference between his smile when he's with Daehwi and his smile when he's looking at the mirror at 3 in the morning.

 

Other than facial expressions, he worked on what he was going to say to Daehwi. He tried going for a cool approach but it didn't suit him at all. He also tried being cute but his attempts just made him cringe at himself. In his third attempt, he tried to shy it in on go but he just cringes even more. This wasn't him, he didn't want to practice what he wanted to say because it will take away a lot, especially the sincerity. But if he doesn't practice, will he be able to utter a single word to Daehwi?

 

Trust was one issue, and verbal expression was another. The reason why he starting writing under a pen name was so that he could express his feelings on paper. He never actually thought of saying the things he wrote in his articles. As much as he loved writing about his unrequited love, he didn't exactly favor admitting his feeling in face to face confrontation. He had no trouble communicating with others, but when it comes to recitation, plays, and performances in front of a live audience, he'd freeze on the spot and lose his confidence. Even if Daehwi was only one person, it felt like a thousand eyes would be on him later on.

 

"Can you accept these feelings of mine?" He asks himself as he walks over to his bed and falls on top. The ceiling was dull but it was enough to keep him calm. 

 

So many things he wanted to say but didn't know how. He was so close to falling that evening when he momentarily closed his eyes to reflect on the things he should and shouldn't say. He was falling and falling until his door creaked open, revealing a Kang Daniel wearing pink pajamas and a striped shirt. Jinyoung groans when his hyung enters, he wasn't bothered by the visit, he just didn't want to be seen in such a vulnerable state.

 

"Jinyoung-ssi, are you alright?" Daniel asks as he sat down on the edge of the bed. No doubt the constant shouts of frustration made Daniel worry about Jinyoung. 

 

"No," Jinyoung replies, his hands covering his eyes. "I don't know what to do and I'm afraid that I'll screw up my only chance of ever telling him how I feel." He chokes when he reaches the last two words of his sentence. No, he wasn't about to cry, he just felt frustrated at himself.

 

"Ah," Daniel exclaims as he pats the head of the boy laying on the bed. "I know it may seem difficult right now, but please know that love can never be rushed. Love is unpredictable, it happens in mysterious ways that even those who experience it more than once in a lifetime still don't understand how it works. You can't expect it to go your way, but it's never wrong to be hopeful."

 

Jinyoung removes his hands from his eyes and looked over to his side and made eye contact with Daniel. He pouts at his hyung who chuckles at his sudden display of cuteness. Daniel messes up Jinyoung's hair to make him sit upright so they could talk properly.

 

"It's already 5 in the morning. What do you plan on doing?" Daniel asks as he crosses his legs and extends his arms behind him to lean back a little.

 

"First I'm going to sleep," Jinyoung says to lighten up their mood. A wave of exhaustion overcomes him and he could barely keep his eyes open. "Second, I'm going to fly."

 

 

Preparing for an event has always been more nerve-wracking than the actual event itself, more so if the event is confessing your feelings. The curiosity that eats you up during the process of preparation is agonizing, especially when the answer to your endless curiosities is only split between a yes or a no. Unlike questions with multiple answers, there is a higher possibility of rejection, a fifty percent possibility to be exact. And that possibility of rejection slowly kills the flame of hope in Jinyoung's heart.

 

Today, the snowfall felt slower, giving time for each spectator to appreciate the beauty of the white scenery created. But even with the slow pacing of everything around him that day, Jinyoung could feel his heart beat almost twice as fast and his mind running a mile a minute. Even though he felt like the world was ending, he still wanted to see Daehwi. He still wanted to be honest and confront him before he regrets everything all over again.

 

_"You'll see that trust and honesty goes hand in hand, if you can't be honest with him then how can he trust you with his heart?"_

 

_"I don't even fully trust myself yet."_

 

With every step Jinyoung took, he felt like he was getting closer to his pending doom. Stopping in his tracks isn't an option for him. Ahead of time he told himself that if he stopped moving forward then his feelings for Daehwi aren't sincere enough. He didn't want another person to tell Daehwi of these feelings he had kept behind wraps. If he isn't the one who tells Daehwi, then all of his articles, all of his anxiety attacks, all of his big leaps would be in vain. 

 

At 1:50 in the afternoon, Jinyoung sat in a booth in the corner of the cafe. He ordered caramel macchiatos for himself and for the center of his universe, his artist. His hands were on top of the table, he fiddled with his fingers to calm himself.  

 

"This is it then," he whispers to himself as he diverts his attention to the window beside their booth. He finally finds the time to appreciate the slow paced snowfall and forgets for a second that this is path he has chosen to take. Being at the edge of the cliff on the path he has taken scares him, but this leap of faith will determine whether he flies or falls. 

 

"I will fly," he mutters to himself once again. 

 

Just then, the small bell above the cafe door rings and Jinyoung looks over to see who it is. He tries to calm himself but fails miserably at the attempt. The boy who stood at the door scanned the entire cafe, looking side to side until he sees Jinyoung. A surprised look on his face shows how shocked he is but it slowly fades, being replaced by a bright smile. He walked over to where Jinyoung sat, even he was nervous but concealed it with a smile. When he sat down and met eyes with the boy in front him, it was quiet yet just like all silences between them, it was comforting.

 

At 2 in the afternoon, Jinyoung appreciated the view of the boy who sat in front of him more than the slow paced snowfall. 

 

_"Please love with all your heart and leave no room for regret."_

 

_"I will, Daniel hyung."_

 

"Hi," Daehwi breaks the silence between them.

 

"Hey," Jinyoung says back with a smile. His pupils dilated, still captured by the thought and image of Lee Daehwi. But he couldn't just sit there and stare, he had to tell him all the sentiments he had in his heart. "I have something to say."

 

The talk they had that afternoon brought forth a change that neither of them expected.

 


	9. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like leaving notes but I just wanted to say thank you for the support you're giving and for being friends with me on twitter :D But I would like to apologize in advance if the next chapter will be delayed because I have a lot of school work piling up and I'm working on my entry for the Jinhwi fic fest :( so please bear with me because it's really difficult to balance everything :( I hope you all enjoyed the update ❤️

"I have something say," Jinyoung says as he puts his hands on the table. He had them clasped together and every time he felt nervous he'd squeeze them tighter.

This is the moment that Jinyoung never thought would come. The moment he never wished for. The moment when he finally breaks free from fate and creates his own opportunity to steer the course of his destiny. Meeting with Daehwi is the turning point of his teenage life and he misses this, then there's no hope for him, only regret.

Not only was he mortified by the idea of losing his friendship with Daehwi, he was also mortified by the weight of his words. Any wrong utterance can send everything he has worked hard to build up can come crumbling down. He had no one to blame this time because he came here knowing of the risk he is taking. He can't blame fate, he can't blame Daniel nor can he blame Woojin. This was his own leap of faith without anyone pushing him on the back. All he can do jump and hope he got sprinkled with enough pixie dust to fly.

"What are you going to say?" Daehwi asks, a gentle smile upon his lips. It wasn't the same bright smile when he first walked in. It was a smile that contained so many emotions that even Jinyoung couldn't understand.

"Can you promise me one thing before I tell you?"

"Sure," Daehwi beamed, already sticking out his pinky. Jinyoung, who still wasn't accustomed to the gesture, was hesitant but soon intertwined their fingers together.

"Can you promise me that you won't think any differently of me?" Jinyoung says, sighing deeply after the last intonation. 

"I'll always be by your side no matter what, so don't feel fret," Daehwi assures Jinyoung by locking in their promise and moving back to lean against the backrest. 

Still stunned, not only by Daehwi's gesture, by the exchange of words, Jinyoung looks back and forth between where their pinkies were and at Daehwi. He shook his head before regaining his concentration and composure. Another deep breath escapes his lips as he looks up to meet the eyes of the boy who embodies the words ethereal.

"I have something to say," he repeats once more to emphasize how serious he was. Daehwi nods, signaling him to continue because he had noticed how nervous Jinyoung was around him. "No matter how much I practiced...I forgot everything that I had wanted to say," Jinyoung sighs as he scratches the back of his hand but chuckles. He knew he would forget every single thing he wrote down and memorized, but at the back of his mind he thought that it would be better this way.  _The truth will come out_.

Chuckling at his own mistake wasn't enough to get rid of his anxieties and frustrations but one thing did soothe him and make everything right again. The sound of Daehwi giggling and the bright aura Daehwi had that contrasted with the gloomy sky. It was enough for him to continue and to let himself fly.

"It's so difficult for me to express how I feel because I've been typing it all this time, letting those words reach you on their own. I never thought that you'd actually read them and that you'd actually know of my feelings without being aware that every single word was meant for you. Weeks ago, I couldn't show myself to you and I opted to watch you from afar but now? I still can't believe that you're actually right in front of me and I'm telling you all of this. Until now it amazes me how much I've changed in the short time I've met you. It amazes me that I can see the stars in your eyes yet still feel grounded when I'm with you. I'm not making much sense, am I?"

The smile on Daehwi's face contradicts the doubts Jinyoung has bottled up inside. The smaller of the two had both elbows on the table, his fingers intertwined, and his chin on top of that. He looks aimlessly at Jinyoung before saying, "Please continue. I want to hear more."

Once again stunned by the boy in front of him, Jinyoung nods with his lips slightly parted. He takes a deep breath before continuing where he left off.

"Right from the start I had no intention of telling you these feelings because I was scared. If you've read my recent article then you'd know of the fear that resides in my heart and mind whenever I thought of losing you. There is no  _us_ but there is only  _you and I_ , a very wide gap between us that I did not dare to cross until now. The more I thought of the possibility of losing you, the more I wanted to protect you and have you by my side. It's so hard for me to express my thoughts coherently but I don't plan on reorganizing what I want to say because everything I am telling you right now is my most raw and sincerest feelings. Even the features I write, everything comes from the heart and no one has dared to make changes. Oh god, should I even continue?"

"Please do continue, every word you utter warms my heart."

"I'm glad to hear that the warmth is mutual," Jinyoung smiles, his shoulders are now at ease, no longer stiff and problematic. "As much as I wanted to keep everything to myself, my world suddenly became brighter and there was no point in hiding it in an non-existent darkness. You've brought light and color into my monochrome world and from every angle, I now see color. No longer limited to the dull colors of black and white because I am now living in an  _Iridescent_  world that was made by you. Although it sounds messed up and complicated, I just wanted to tell you all of this because..."

 _Say it_ , he thinks to himself when he pauses before saying the most important words. Three words, compared to everything he had blurted out, seems more ominous and terrifying. But in order to get this load off his chest and to fly, he has to say them.

"Because...?" Daehwi mimics Jinyoung's sudden pausing in mid-sentence before laughing softly. Just like earlier, Jinyoung felt energized when he heard Daehwi's laugh.   
  
  


 _Ah, I have to tell him before it's too late_.  
  
  


"Because...I love you."   
  
  


There it is, after months of loving Daehwi, he finally confesses. Three words, which hold so much meaning and feelings that he had denied for so long?0, have now been uttered in broad daylight, not just printed on the feature section of their school newspaper. It didn't matter whether fate would intervene now, because Jinyoung was able to take control of at least this part of his life. As long as Daehwi knew how he felt, he was contented with what he will receive or not receive afterwards. But just like everyone else, he still had his own greed and deeply wished for his feelings to be reciprocated.

Daehwi, who sat on the other side of the table, simply stared at Jinyoung. He does not speak nor even make a single sound but all he does is stare. The staring, after a while, makes Jinyoung feel self-conscious so he tries to look away yet he still finds himself glancing over at Daehwi. If silence is Daehwi's way of saying he does not accept Jinyoung's feelings then Jinyoung would have to accept that. There's no turning back at this point but Jinyoung was free to walk out of the cafe and at the same time walk out of Daehwi's life.

To break the awkward silence, Jinyoung began to laugh, a laugh loud enough for everyone in the cafe to hear. There was nothing funny about the situation at all became for every second Daehwi remained silent, the deeper Jinyoung feel in the pit of hopelessness. He would be lying if he said pain wasn't tapping on his shoulder again, but he wanted to look okay.  _He wanted to be okay._

Silence can have a thousand meanings but Jinyoung had convinced himself that it solely means rejection. It's the same process again and it was not wonderful at all. Jinyoung does something good for himself but it suddenly ends up backfiring and he chooses to lock himself inside his room of darkness to be alone with isolation. But somehow, he still hopes that someone will knock on that door with lamp in hand.

Jinyoung shut his eyes closed and tried to breathe properly because if he didn't he would have probably ended up crying. He could feel is throat tighten as he felt another panic attack coming. The heater of the cafe wasn't exactly ideal but Jinyoung felt sweaty, especially his palms. It felt as if the walls were coming closer together, trapping him inside. But even with all that heat, as warmth never fails to soothe him. 

The cushion beside him sunk a little ad he felt the shift. A hand intertwines with his and when he opens his eyes he is met with a very pleasant surprise. He turns to right, feeling a poke on his cheek from Daehwi's finger that had been set there to surprise him. Daehwi laughs softly at Jinyoung's surprised reaction but after a good laugh he squeezes the boy's hand and smiles at him, giving the assurance that Jinyoung had always asked for.

"Maybe...I love you as well, maybe not as much as you do yet but I'll learn to love you the way you deserve." Daehwi tells the boy beside him, giving another squeeze to Jinyoung's hand. 

No matter how many times Jinyoung looks back at his memories, he can't remember a time where he felt like someone loved him. This was the only moment which he recalls that someone told him they love him, and that they deserve to be loved. Other than happiness, many other emotions and feelings came rushing into Jinyoung's now-lit room. There was contentment, excitement, a little worry and doubt, but most of all there was love.  

"I don't think you're going to want to love me once you see the monsters inside my head."

"That's why I'll learn to love you, Jinyoung-ah. It's a process that I'm willing to go through for you."

"I fear that one day you'll just regret it," Jinyoung sighs as he tries to pull his hand away. He hated how he's ruining everything because of his insecurities. He hated how he can't be contented with everything that has been said because he fears that this is just another temporal happiness.

"I'll never regret loving someone who puts stars in the sky for someone even though his presence is enough," Daehwi says as he scoots a little closer to Jinyoung, removing the space between them. He settles his head on Jinyoung's shoulder and just hums a soft tune, calming the raging storm in Jinyoung's heart.

This is one of those happy moments that Jinyoung gets blessed with but at the same time he fears that his happiness might be taken away. He doesn't want all of this to end, he doesn't want to go through another cycle of depressing thoughts and most of all he doesn't want to lose Daehwi. 

"Can I...ask you a question?" Jinyoung asks shyly, disrupting the beautiful humming.

"Sure, go on."

"How can you  _learn to love_  someone like me?"

"It's kind of hard to explain and it might be a really long one too...so I guess we should order more." Daehwi says with a wide smile on his face. 

"But I'd prefer to know your answer first," Jinyoung jokes but ends up laughing. His eye smile was one of the things that caught Daehwi's attention even before and now the sight of it meant a lot more.

"You're a feisty one now," Daehwi jokes back as he shakes his head. "But I'll tell you my answer since it's very crucial for every beginning of a relationship." 

"Relationship...?" Jinyoung hesitates slightly because he was unsure of what their label was and he never reslly thought of what he wanted them to be.

"Yeah, I mean that's what we're entering right?" Daehwi says with a pout.

"Yeah," Jinyoung answers, releasing a sigh of relief and joy. His smiles after sighting and looks back at the boy beside him. "Please continue."

"Well...I have zero experience with love but I'm definitely sure that I can love someone as long as it's you. You claim to have monsters inside your head and maybe I have yet to meet those monsters but one thing is for sure, you're you and that's all I need to know. The monsters instead your head could just be your fears, sorrows, pain, and doubt but I'll make sure to kick them out. I just know that I can love you the way you deserve, it might be a long process but I promise you it will be worth your time. I won't waste a single second but I won't be too hasty. For you, I'll take the long way even though my feet might hurt along the way. For you, I'll put up twice the amount of stars you put up for me. For you, I'll write songs that remind me of you," Daehwi says with a bright smile on his face. It's a smile different from all the others but it's a smile that still melted Jinyoung's heart.

All these promises that Daehwi is saying sounded of pure bliss and security but at the same time the monsters inside Jinyoung's head kept causing a commotion.  _He's lying,_ a voice inside his mind said to him causing him to flinch because it felt like he was having a war inside his head.  _He'll leave you just like everyone else_. 

"Stop it, stop it, stop it..." he mutters to himself. His eyes were shut and his expression was full of pain. It was a painful sight to see, especially for Daehwi who witnessed it all.

"I'm here Jinyoung-ah," Daehwi says as he used his free hand to rub the agonizing boy's back. "You don't have to be afraid of being alone anymore," he tells Jinyoung, who stops shaking and the wrinkled from his forehead soothed out. 

"Please love me," Jinyoung whispers as a tears rolls down his cheek.

"You don't have to plead because I already do."  
  


 


	10. Yellow Green

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay!

"Would you like to come over again tonight?" Daehwi asks, breaking the silence that had filled their booth for almost half an hour. There hands were still intertwined, placed on top of Daehwi's lap so he could play with Jinyoung's fingers. During those times, Jinyoung was too distracted as he watched Daehwi, but is brought back to reality when Daehwi leans a bit forward to meet gazes with Jinyoung. He smiles at the reaction Jinyoung gives when they stared at each other for five seconds. "Earth to Jinyoung-ah, would you like to come over again tonight?"

 

 

"But I didn't bring a change of clothes," Jinyoung says sadly but after a few seconds he realizes that he made a mistake. A mistake that Daehwi notices, but instead of being weirded out, he just smiles even more at Jinyoung.

 

 

"So you plan to stay overnight?" Daehwi asks teasingly, gently nudging the embarrassed boy beside him.

 

 

"As much as I want to conceal my embarrassment to keep my pride intact, my desire to stay overnight at your house with you overpowers that of my embarrassment." Jinyoung chuckles, showing off his eye crinkles that Daehwi likes so much.

 

 

For the first time in Jinyoung's life, he experienced a winter that felt like spring. Although the sun hid behind the grey clouds, he was able to feel a warmth on par with the sun's which radiated from Daehwi. It was enough to bring back the feeling in each part of his body, no longer numb and seemingly lifeless. The once zombie-like Bae Jinyoung was brought back to life with the gift of love he had received from Lee Daehwi.

 

 

The pair finish their order and by the time they leave it was already 5:30 in the afternoon. The time they spent together felt like an hour but little did they know that time runs faster when you're with your loved one. Jinyoung didn't mind that time went faster, it didn't matter as long as he could hold Daehwi's hand like this every day. It didn't matter as long as his heart beats for the same person that became the center of his universe.

 

 

They still held hands on the bus, and have no plans of letting go. A sensation came every time the two of them came in contact. A sensation neither of them has experienced until now. Ah this must really be love, Jinyoung thought to himself as he watched Daehwi doze off while leaning on him arm, head on his shoulder.

 

 

Out of pure fascination, he began to count Daehwi's eyelashes as well as learn the tune of his soft snores. For some it would be considered weird and, in a way, creepy but that didn't stop Jinyoung from seizing the opportunity of knowing all the little things about his beloved. After a while he looked outside the window and watched each snow flake fall to the ground.

 

  
"You're so warm," Daehwi mumbles in his sleep. He snuggles closer to Jinyoung,who flinches at the sudden closeness and blushed at the sweet words that were uttered. There are a lot of things that he had to get used to but even with the unfamiliarity, he keeps an optimistic view of things now that he's moving forward with the only person who makes winter seem like it's brimming with life.

 

  
Maybe it was the fuzzy feeling that Jinyoung felt or the traffic that made time pass by slowly on their bus ride home.

 

  
"You know what makes me happy?" Daehwi says as he sat on the kitchen counter while Jinyoung cooked their ramen.

 

  
"Strawberry milk?" Jinyoung guessed.

 

  
Daehwi pouts at his silly lover and gives him a gentle kick from behind. "Good guess, but you're so far off from the answer." He sighs because the answer was simple and he hoped that Jinyoung would have followed through.

 

  
"Can you tell me? So I can get or do whatever makes you happy," Jinyoung says with an optimistic tone and although Daehwi was saddened because Jinyoung couldn't guess the answer, it warms his heart to hear those words from his lover.

 

  
"It makes me sad knowing you don't know the answer," Daehwi tells Jinyoung but just smiles. He gets off from the counter and walks over to Jinyoung to hug him from behind. "Silly, it's you who makes me happy."

 

  
Once again the sudden touch makes Jinyoung flinch. With each touch, the wars raging inside him are silenced and once again there was peace. "I never expected to become someone's happiness and I don't know how to feel about it."

 

  
"You should get used to it because you make me ever so happy!" Daehwi exclaims as he hugs the skinny boy tighter and snuggles his head on his back.

 

  
Among all the things that someone can say to their significant other, being told that you're their happiness is the most beautiful thing. Happiness entails so many things that the word "love" cannot. Being someone's happiness means that you're their motivation, a reason to wake up in the morning, source of warmth and of positivity, and so many more. When you make someone happy you get that sense of fulfillment and for some they find their sense of purpose. Just by telling someone how happy they make you can complete their day and make them see that even without materialistic luxuries, their presence is enough. Out with cliche I love you's because those aren't the only words that can make someone's day whole. Love is no longer limited to those words alone.

 

  
"Can we eat here?" Jinyoung asks Daehwi who was bring put their bowls. The dining table that Daehwi hasn't used ever since his mom left.

 

  
"Do you want to?" Daehwi returns a question but this time it was filled with uncertainty and sadness.

 

  
"I know that deep down you don't want to, but I want to change things. I don't want you to wallow in your past while you saved me from mine," Jinyoung says with conviction as he walked back to the sink to get a rag to wipe the dust off the table.

 

  
Daehwi stood there in awe as Jinyoung wiped the dust off the table. It was simple chore but as Jinyoung wiped off the dust, he was also wiping off the dark past that bound Daehwi. Just like him, he wanted to set Daehwi free.

 

  
"Shall we?" Jinyoung asked his partner who snapped back to reality at the sound of his voice. The boy nods and proceeds to bring everything they needed.

 

  
The experience felt different. There was no sadness on that table, but maybe it's because a certain boy made it all bearable. Even though it has only been a few hours since they became a thing, it felt like they've been together for a while and the thought of not having the other around scared them both. How can one live without the person who makes even the greatest walls seem like a small leap?

 

  
"Say ah," Jinyoung tells Daehwi as he fed the boy some of the kimchi he made. It felt nice being able to do these things with someone who makes you feel safe. Daehwi enjoyed the kimchi made by Jinyoung, which made the small-headed boy clap his hands joyfully. "Ah, that's good to know!"

 

  
For a moment, everything seemed like it was going in slow motion for Daehwi. As Jinyoung clapped joyfully, he was able to catch every single moment. No camera nor photograph was needed to remember the sudden burst of happiness. To be frank, Jinyoung is the first person who has ever made Daehwi feel this way and experience the slow motion of a moment in time. And for Daehwi, there could be no other person that made these things possible other than Jinyoung.

 

  
"Hey," Jinyoung says, poking Daehwi's cheek.

 

  
"You suck," Daehwi says, sticking his tongue out. "I'm full!" He exclaims, setting his chopsticks down and looking over at Jinyoung. "And I'm cold," he whines, reaching out his hands for Jinyoung."

 

  
"Hmm...me too," Jinyoung hums but chuckles because of how his words make him cringe. But either way, he holds Daehwi close and keeps him warm. "Do you want to cuddle over at the couch?" He asks, remembering how they just finished dinner and cuddling at the dining table was not ideal.

 

  
They transferred to the couch, leaving their empty bowls and used chopsticks on the table. Those can wait because every moment spent with Jinyoung is priceless. Even if they see each other all the time, each moment they meet is a whole different experience. Wasting time would mean wasting the possibility of discovering a new kind of joy.

 

  
"Hey," Daehwi whispers, looking up at his most precious person.

 

  
"Yeah?" Jinyoung replies, looking down so their eyes meet.

 

  
"I love you," Daehwi whispers.

 

  
"I love you too."

 

  
The night was young and so were the two boys. Although doubts and uncertainties remain, they are ready to keep moving forward on the path they are paving together.

 

  
That evening, Jinyoung missed calls from his mother. How important could it be? For him, nothing else mattered more than the boy in his arms.


	11. Chapter 11: Indigo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally after the longest hiatus :< please enjoy!

****

The world doesn't stop when you watch the love of your life shine brightly. You become oblivious to everything except the one person who makes your heart beat and your cheeks flush. Suddenly all the cries for help and sounds of suffering are muted and all you hear is the sweet laughter from your loved one. Everyone and everything that passed by became a blur and the things happening around you had lost their significance. Everything seemed to happen so fast and nothing else mattered but their hearts beating as one.

As Daehwi slept peacefully, Jinyoung sat at the kitchen table after cleaning up the mess they left. He checked his phone and saw that it was already 2 in the morning but his soul was wide awake. Other than the time that was flashed on his lock screen, he saw the multiple missed calls he had from his mother but what made him worry more were the missed calls from Daniel. Since it was already late at night he decided to let it be and let the night cast a spell of sleep on him.

He walked back to the couch where Daehwi slept silently and sat down on the floor, in front of Daehwi. Only a few inches between their face but Jinyoung had no malicious intentions, only pure desires to admire the sleeping prince. 

Jinyoung gently tapped on the little prince's nose and smiled at how unfazed the boy was. He ran his fingers through the boy's hair and let each strand gently fall into place. For hours he could do this but sadly the night had cast its spell. There was something about being around Daehwi which brought peace to his unsettling mind. 

"Goodnight sweet prince," he whispers before drifting off in his sitting position, facing Daehwi.

Mornings spent with the one you love are new beginnings to look forward to. Even washing dishes seemed like a joy when you're with the one you love. Maybe that's how their days will be, as long as they had each other.

After breakfast and washing up, they went out to go grocery shopping. Hand in hand they walked to the nearest grocery store. There was less snow that day, making the warmth they brought each other more felt. 

"I like this," Daehwi says as he looks up at Jinyoung with a smile. He wasn't the only one smiling and in reply, Jinyoung held his lover's hand a bit tighter. 

They finally made it to the grocery store and grabbed a push cart. Of course Jinyoung did more of the pushing while Daehwi thought it was a great idea to stand on the other end of the cart and ride it. The additional weight made it more difficult to push the cart but Jinyoung had no complaints because seeing Daehwi enjoy himself made him feel bliss. 

"Daehwi-ah, please don't forget to grab what we came here for." Jinyoung tells him with a try-hard serious mood but Daehwi saw right through it.

"I know you're enjoying yourself just by pushing this cart," Daehwi jokes back.

"Yes I am, but my groceries," Jinyoung drags the last syllable and pouts to convince Daehwi.

"Very rare  _aegyo_  from you, I can't disobey," Daehwi says as he got off from the cart and started walking through the aisle and checking off items off the lists. 

Things went smoothly during their grocery shopping. Daehwi got the things on the list and continued to walk around, trying to complete their shopping. At one point Jinyoung stopped pushing the cart because Daehwi stopped in front of a shelf. Jinyoung approached the boy who was staring up at the bags of chips.

"Need help?" Jinyoung asked Daehwi.

"No," Daehwi huffs. He was on tip toeing as he tries to reach for the bag of sour cream flavored chips. Jinyoung knew what the problem was but he wanted Daehwi to ask him for help and admit that he was too short to reach the chips. 

"I don't think you'll be able to get that," Jinyoung chuckles as he intently watched Daehwi.

"Just watch me," Daehwi remarks. For the next three minutes, the boy still persists to reach the high level of the shelf. On his last attempt, he jumped up a bit and managed to grab a bag of chips. He rejoices and boasts about his achievement but in the next second, other bags of chips come falling from where he pulled.

Jinyoung laughs at the sight but helps in putting back the fallen junk food. "Good job," he tells Daehwi, who just sticks his tongue out in reply. Luckily the store's manager and workers didn't see them or else they would be in big trouble. Both tried reaching for the last bag of the fallen chips, their hands touch and they just giggle at each other. Jinyoung was the one to put back the last bag while Daehwi checked the last item off the list.

"Good morning," the guy behind the register greeted them. Jinyoung and Daehwi looked closer at the name tag on his shirt, his name was  _Yoon Jisung_. 

"Good morning," the two teenagers greeted in unison. Jisung smiled at them and proceeded to scan the items.

"You two seemed to enjoy shopping together, well you both enjoy each other's company, in general." Jisung tells them with a smile, making the two of them look at each other and blush. Even someone from behind the counter could sense the happiness between Jinyoung and Daehwi.

"It's hard to imagine not having him here with me," Jinyoung confesses to Jisung. Daehwi was in awe at the sweet words, he could even feel tears of joy forming. 

"Ah, love amidst the numbing sensation of winter. That's a beautiful thing," he tells the two boys before finishing with the item scanning. 

"It feels like spring for me," Jinyoung replied which made his companion blush more and let a tear fall. 

"I'm amazed at how you see things," Jisung tells Jinyoung. He finishes placing everything inside the paper bag and hands back Jinyoung's debit card. "I would love to hear more every time you visit."

"We'll make sure to come back a lot," Jinyoung says as he picked up one of the paper bags and hands over the lighter one to Daehwi.

"Yes, please do and thank you for fixing the mess you caused earlier," Jisung teases as he waves the two boys off.

The couple leave the grocery store laughing and with a radiant vibe. But sadly Jinyoung had to go back home for he had to write his next article.

As soon as he got home, he hung his coat and dusted the snow off his hair. He stared at the mirror and saw how his once pale reflection is now showing a boy brimming with new hope and joy. He smiled and walked over to his bed carrying his laptop. Once he settles downs he texts Daehwi.

 **To: Daehwi-ah** ❤️  
 ** _Sorry I had to leave so early :(_**    
 ** _It's a lot colder when I'm away from you_**  

His phone receives a notification and immediately he checks it, hoping that it would be Daehwi's sweet response but to his dismay it was just Daniel reminding him of his deadline. He pouts but not for a second did he whine because he was looking forward to this article more than anything. It was because of this question that he realized that love is about taking risks. Success or failure, love will still continue to exist as long as each person continues to hold on dearly to their beloved. It shows how love should be expressed in ways that even a person thousands of miles away from you and is a complete stranger will know of your love.  
  


_Did you decide to take a leap of faith?_

_A friend once told me that trust and honesty go hand in hand. One cannot trust someone if the latter is not honest with them, and vice versa. But in the coexistence of trust and honesty, is there really love? For me, trust and honesty are only but a fragment of what love is._

_In love, there should always be faith. Some might say faith is just some fancy word for trust, but I beg to differ. Trust is only a feeling, something that is too general to be purely sincere. When you trust someone, you will believe in every word that slips out of their mouth and every single movement they make. It is the foundation of every relationship but that's all there is to it. But faith is on a whole other level. Faith, just like trust, involves believing but it transcends that limited mindset. Faith is a substance of hope. Also, unlike the limited definition of trust, faith requires no evidence. Why? You would ask me but it is fairly simple. Love does not require or should not answer the question "why?" because when you love someone, you should love them fully. Answering that question means that you do not love that person, you simply like one part of them. That is why faith is above and beyond trust because it is unconditional and ultimately a source of hope._

_With this faith I have earnestly built upon my beloved's stature, there no other uncertainty. I have took a leap into the unknown abyss that is love which I have feared for so long. I have took a leap and to my surprise a hand was already held out for me. A hand that led me into a world of light and serenity when I thought everything around me would become subdued in fear. A hand that was warm, soft and gentle. A hand that never let go of mine. A hand that belonged to the only person that mattered to me._

_How beautiful it must be to live in a world wherein your one and only love stands beside you. A world that knows no darkness for you are each other's light. A world that is filled with atrocities is brought into peace with the existence of love. A world that sheds no tears for every moment is happy and carefree. A world that is like Eden and free from unearthly temptation. A world that can never exist but does not seem so distant that love cannot weave such. With the hand of my beloved, a world like this feels so close._

_The fear of rejection was no more. I had nothing to fear but the god of time that could easily take away my pride and joy. There was nothing else to fear but the possibility of waking up one day and not being beside the one you love. The fears that used to reside within me have been evicted and replaced by a single yet far greater fear. The fear of losing my other half._

_I am slowly being engulfed by a new fear yet as I look back and remember that winter day, I am brought back to the surface to catch my breath. Not for a moment did you let me feel hopeless. Not for a moment did you judge my words and how I felt. Not for a moment did you show me that loving you was a mistake. Not for a moment did you make me regret telling you my deepest and sincerest aches. Not for a moment did you let my hand go, making it feel the warmth of a hundred summers. Right then and there, I knew that my heart longed and will forever long for you._

_A lesson for all this Christmas season: there no winter that cannot be warmed by love. There will always be the right time and right place for that love, and luckily I already found mine._

"Finally finished," he whispers with a smile before sending it to Daniel. He closes his laptop and just lays in bed for the next hour. 

Silence really is deafening for Jinyoung after being around Daehwi so long. Not being able to hear the boy's voice made him feel even more upset. He wishes he could just stay by Daehwi's side and never leave but there was still unfinished business that he can't let Daehwi get exposed to. 

Jinyoung stood up and went over to where the phone was. He just stood there hovering over the phone with nothing but a blank and stone-cold stare. His eyes seemed darker in comparison to how they normally were and it was sort of frightening. Eyes that showed no emotion, and whoever looks into those eyes would feel like they're getting suck into a vortex of darkness with no light at the end. That's what years torment results to and sadly the only cure was far away from Jinyoung's grasp.

The phone rings and Jinyoung immediately picks up as if he had been expecting it the entire time. There was not a moment to waste and Jinyoung didn't spare any small talk at all to whoever was at the other end of the line. 

"I'm coming," he says before dropping the call.


	12. Gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I last posted a chapter because of school and personal matters :D Here's chapter 12 and stay updated because this fic will end soon :) Thank you!

Every moment of happiness is paid in return with a series of unfortunate events. Sadly, Jinyoung is aware of how he was graced by multiple moments of joy and now he is on his way to repay that debt. He knew such a thing would come for him but he didn't expect it to be this soon.

"Happiness is really just an illusion," he mutters before getting some sleep inside the cab he was riding. This might be the only time he can actually rest because once he arrives at his destination, there's no telling when such a time of peace will come again.

Snow kept falling that morning and it saddened Jinyoung to the core knowing he would be away from Daehwi for a while. What made it even worse is that Daehwi is oblivious to the fact that Jinyoung is heading towards a place that haunts his very being. Sending messages or making phone calls wouldn't do any good because the small-headed boy changed his number. No, he isn't abandoning his sugary-sweet relationship with Daehwi. He's just making sure no harm will reach the boy he loves in case something terrible happens to him. Hopefully, nothing bad will happen but things don't go as planned when you live on the bad side of town.

Sleep was the only way to escape Jinyoung thought but the moment he closes his eyes a darker nightmare greets him. A nightmare filled with tears and gave birth to newer fears. Sweating and hyperventilating, Jinyoung woke up from his very short nap. Immediately grasping his phone and typed away a message meant for Daehwi, his only remedy, but he suddenly halts and sighs. 

 _I_   _can't let him get involved_. He deletes the message and directs his attention somewhere else. Spacious and vibrant streets to daunting and dark alleyways, how terrible it must be to live in this part of town. Finally, Jinyoung was home.

The cab stopped in front of an apartment complex, different from one he lived in when he was young. Compared to his old apartment, this one was much bigger and well-lit. He paid the driver and got off, staring high up at the building in front of him. What shocking news will surprise him this time?

He stops in front of apartment 308 and knocks. His left hand was shaking as he tried to tighten his grip on his bag. There was no answer which frustrated him more than it worried him. He drops his bag and reaches into his left coat pocket to get his phone. As he was searching his call history, the door opened as a boy who was older than Jinyoung peeped out the small opening. 

"You're here," the tall figure says silently before widely opening the door. Both boys look at each other for a brief moment before Jinyoung took his bag again and walked inside. The sound of the door shutting echoed in the dark and empty hallway, sounding another agonizing chapter of Jinyoung's life.

The apartment was smaller than he thought it would be. Twice the size of the one he was staying at, but half the size of their family's old one. The walls had pictures of their family, his father, mother, him and his  _brother_. For Jinyoung, it was strange to see all of that because it's been a few years since his family actually got together, and that last meeting was neither happy nor peaceful. Those are times that he does not wish to look back on but sadly photos speak a thousand words yet the most important one hides behind the camera.

"So where is she?" Jinyoung asks the guy who was with him in that dusty apartment. "She kept calling the other night so I thought she would be here to see me."

"Well," Donghyun rubbed the back of his neck as he sadly looks at Jinyoung. "Take a seat and I'll tell you everything."

The room made Jinyoung feel tensed, making him sweat despite the winter cold. He sat down on the couch and so does Donghyun. With the better lighting, Jinyoung saw it. He saw, in the eyes of Donghyun, the suffering he had been through and is still going through.

"I can't believe this is happening to me again," Donghyun begins with a sigh. A tear once again slides down his cheek, just like before Jinyoung came.

"Tell me, hyung," Jinyoung pleas because he could feel his heart beat faster and like the walls of the room were moving in.

"Thank you for still acknowledging me as your brother, but I don't think you'll be able to forgive me this time."  
  
  


"You still can't contact him?" Jihoon raised his voice a bit but Woojin placed a hand on his shoulder, calming the boy who quickly apologized for his sudden outburst. "I'm sorry Daehwi, but isn't this too much?" 

"Maybe," Daehwi says softly as he cups his hands around his mug.  _Jinyoung's hand is warmer_ , he thought to himself. "But I guess he just wants to be alone."

"You and him were all lovey lovey just the other day but the next day he disappears and doesn't show up for days. He didn't even go to school the entire week. Doesn't that seem too much? If he wants solitude then he should at least tell us — well you since you're obliviously the most worried one here." Jihoon frustratedly rants before sighing deeply and looking out the window of the cafe. "It's the season to be jolly but all we're doing is worrying," he mutters loud enough for the other two to hear.

Woojin smiles weakly at the boy who was throwing a tantrum. He rubs his hand on the boy's back before looking over at Daehwi who sat opposite of him. "Jihoon's really worried about Jinyoung so I apologize if he's acting this way. He hasn't slept well the past few days because of our friend's sudden disappearance." He explains with a mellow voice.

"I understand how he feels, but..." Daehwi couldn't let the words out. Words that he had been holding back because he didn't want to seem weak. "My he-heart hurts everytime I think about how I'll never see him again. It hurts," By now he was in tears and his hand was balled into a fist, gently hitting the area on his chest where his heart is. 

The two boys head over to their friend, stopping his hand and hushing him. It breaks Jihoon's and Woojin's hearts, even more, to see how much Daehwi was suffering. The boy who smiled and radiated joy was now a mess, a mix of sadness and pain. What used to be yellow has become gray due to the absence of his pigment, his other half, his own saving grace.

"If there is a God listening, please bring Jinyoung back!" Daehwi exclaims loudly on Jihoon's chest as his two friends tried to calm him down. People in the cafe watched the trio but they were in their own little world of agony. A world that has been spun into chaos and oppression the moment Jinyoung disappeared.

Jinyoung thought that he would just be forgotten, just another faded memory, but he has yet to know how much of an effect he has. If only he knew of their suffering, then maybe he would rush home into their arms but sometimes suffering becomes necessary.


End file.
